#496. Crafting the Perfect Christian Dating Profile
Feb 20th by Jon(You might remember Matt of thechurchofnopeople.com from his hilarious post “The official point system of SCL commenter fitness.” Since it’s love month and because I thought it would make a good running mate with Monday’s post about single people needing to get married pronto, I asked him to write a guide to creating the perfect Christian dating profile. Enjoy.)
For those of us not called by God to abstinence, the search for a mate can be a long, sometimes frantic search, stretching much longer than you would like. Every wedding you attend teases you with the promise of some kind of mystical three-corded you-spouse-God rope. And every day you lack that rope, you know your life is not yet complete. And if you’re uncomfortable with being single, just look around at church! Everyone whispers when you come in the room, because you can’t possibly be happy!
Fortunately, the Christian mating grounds are no longer limited to church and colleges. Now we have the internet. A Christian who flunked out of getting her ‘M.R.S. degree’ in college can have a second chance. But she probably needs to know how to craft a sweet online dating profile.
There’s more to a truly Christian dating profile than just putting up a picture and a name though. You’ve got to work that unmistakable vibe of raw animal pheromones and Jesus-loving wholesomeness that will make every Christian give you double-takes. Fortunately, you could call me the Hitch for Christians. You are my Kevin James. I will help you end your singleness, and everyone’s discomfort caused by your singleness. Win, win!
Maybe you need this help. If you don’t, you definitely have a friend who needs it.
Crafting the Perfect Christian Dating Profile
Step 1: You Profile Name
Your name is half of the first impression you make. And unlike your legal name, you get to choose this one. So don’t waste your chance at a first impression with some play on your real name. ‘SassySally777’ just doesn’t cut it, and makes you sound like a person who likes wearing light-up Christmas sweaters.
You are trying to make the impression that you are ready to rock someone’s world like an earthquake, a volcano and a hurricane all in one, and you love Jesus! Ladies, how about ‘FisherofMen,’ or even ‘A Little Bit of Mary, a Little Bit of Martha.’ I don’t even know what that last one means, but it sounds provocative! Guys, I wouldn’t suggest either of those names for you.
Step 2: The Picture
The picture on your profile is the other half of your first impression. There are a couple of things to keep in mind when choosing the all important photo of yourself.
You may choose to post a photo of yourself looking really holy, like a shot of you praying really intently or waving your arms in the air during church. Remember that a black and white or sepia toned photograph automatically looks 30% holier.
Unattractive photos of yourself are okay, even good. A real Christian will see your inner beauty, so any effort toward outward appearances will only hinder a godly attraction.
You can also add lots of ‘flair’ to your photo. Find clip art of crosses, Jesus fish, praying hands, Bibles, hearts, stars, horseshoes, clovers and blue moons. Like a church logo, the more flair you have, the holier you will look.
You may post a photo of you and a friend. Exercise caution when choosing a friend picture though. Some general guidelines include:
You met your friend in a third-world country.
You helped rebuild your friend’s village.
Your friend is an adorable mission trip child.
Step 3: What Relationship You Are Looking For?
Many services give you the option of stating what sort of relationship you are pursuing. Some services have pre-set options to choose from, others let you type your own.
Some people choose ‘Anything’ or ‘Random Play’ from the list. Sounds exciting, but dirty. A real Christian would choose ‘Marriage and lots of babies right now, please!’
If you’re stumped, just start with any word you would use to describe your walk with Jesus: Blessed. Amazing. Passionate. Awesome. On fire. Potluck.
Step 4: Your Interests
This is a biggie, the place where you tell the world what makes you special and unique. Other people are going to be witty or post a poem or some nonsense, but as a Christian, you’ve really only got three options.
Option 1: Proselytize Us
It seems there are a number of non-Christians out there on dating sites. I think some people actually have a thing for Christians. They’re just looking for some nice shiny Christian to lure, trap, and corrupt. If you find yourself on a date with one of these types, it’s easy enough to ward off damnation. Just make a cross with your two index fingers at your date and yell, “Unequally yoked! Unequally yoked!”
If you attract these types, you could find yourself going through this a lot, or you can avoid it altogether. The goal here is that upon reading your profile, the sweaty heathen will be instantly born-again, rendering him a viable match. Consider the following example:
“I am a worthless sinner saved through faith in the love and grace of our glorious Lord Jesus. I also like romantic movies.”
Response: “This girl is hot. Whatever she likes, I’m in. I now also love Jesus and romantic movies.”
Problem solved. You are now equally yoked.
Option 2: Intimidate Us
This option is aimed toward all your viewers who, while they may be Christians, may not quite reach the mark of holiness you require. Anyone who reads your profile will instantly know that he has just ‘been served,’ that it ‘is on now,’ and that he is now required to ‘step up.’ Take for example:
“I am looking for a REAL MAN of God.”
Response: “Aw, it’s on now! Here I am, but guess what? Shawty can’t handle this:”
“I am looking for a REAL Ephesians 5:22 lady.”
Option 3: Tell Us Your Real Interests
It should go without saying, but some people need it repeated. If you are interested in attracting Christians, you are not interested in anything except:
THE BIBLE
GOD
JESUS
serving HIM
See how I put those in all caps? That’s how you know I’m serious. The Bible isn’t just any hobby. It’s my life. I use lowercase letters for lesser interests like The Lord of the Rings (which will be your only other interest.)
Why should you not list any other interests? Because any real Christian will see right through to your worldliness:
Jazz Music: That’s baby-making music. How do you know about that anyway?
Television: It’s just sex and violence.
Cars: Jesus didn’t have a car.
Football: Way too much butt slapping.
The stock market: Better to store up treasures in heaven.
There you have it, a complete Christian dating profile. Take my advice, and you will be a steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation. Anyone fortunate enough to see your profile will be overtaken by a fit of smoldering passion and desire to read The Five Love Languages with you, participate in several weeks pre-marital counseling, get married, and settle down into a nice quiet Christian life. That’s hot!
(For more of Matt, check out his site, thechurchofnopeople.com)
Comments
Wow – hilarious post! Wonderful job, Matt.
Best line? “Unequally yoked! Unequally yoked!” Classic.
What do you think of my profile name ideas:
PersianStar (Esther – her name was Persian for star – and who doesn’t love her?)
CamelWaterer (sounds weird, but we all know how watering camels helped Rebekah get a husband)
Two-CentWidow (once again, sounds strange but the idea is that this lady gave all she had to Jesus and the lady with this name would give her all to her future husband).
Gotta go now, but thanks again for making my day!
Defifnitely CamelWaterer.
Great job! Thanks for the handy tips. I will no doubt find a husband because of this and I will name one of our many children after you in thanks. You’re welcome…
wv: boing – I am boinging off the walls with happiness, thanks to you!
wv – glowess – another possible profile name … Moses glowed after he’d been talking with God so being a ‘glowess’ would imply that you are a lady who spends time with God!
Beautiful, Matt. And if a guy asks for a REAL Ephesians 5:22 lady it’s not intimidating. It screams “I’m so insecure in my own manhood that I will resort to quoting verses out of context to get my own way for the rest of our lives together.” Thanks, but no thanks.
And as helpful as the advice is, I can’t use it. I gave my friend Karen permission to openly mock me at my wedding if I find my husband through an online dating service. She’d do it too.
This is awesome!!! I love the part about CAR: Jesus didn’t have a car!!
Very very funny.
Loved this: “Everyone whispers when you come in the room, because you can’t possibly be happy!”
My single friends tell me that that is the attitude by smug-marrieds to their singleness 100% of the time:
How could you POSSIBLY be happy single? Poor deluded fool.
Great post—
Matt- you’ve outdone yourself with this one!
I can’t even pick a favorite line-too many good ones!
I will pass this along to my sister.
THIS may be what has been holding her back- she needs a CHRISTIANIER profile!
You have been used once again, Bro, to bring forth pivotal change in the KINGDOM!
Your church name/site name will need to change from
Church of no people” to “Church with no room to hold all the people.”
I mean, “…All the CHRISTIANIEST people.”
Very amusing my friend!
(since you shamelessly promoted on katdish’s site yesterday-I will use this opportunity to ask that 48 people click on my name then wish Big AL a Happy 48th birthday!Enjoy a hilarious video while you’re there!)
Wow, now I wish I hadn’t gone and gotten married to a lovely woman who is a really great wife and mother to my 4 kids so that I could troll dating websites for Christian singles.
OK so not really, I don’t need the headache.
Word Verification: evint
The new hip and cool way to say “event”
“We don’t want some lame event, we’re gonna have us an evint.”
LOL! B&W and Sepia photos are automaticially 30% holier!
For a screen name, how about "Perfumed Garden" or "Southwind"
-Jeremiah
I knew a girl in Bible college who had been engaged for 7 or 8 years. He lived far far away and was waiting until he saw her again to plan the wedding. The thing was, I guess he had umm, seen her in her *fresh and lovely youth*. And in the many years since their engagement, NO ONE had taken a photo of her?? And when Prince Charming finally arrived? He dumped her like a bucket of rocks.
She was somewhat fashion challenged, was a TAD awkward, JUST A TAD, sorta had a thing going with an eyebrow, and was ever so needy. A BIT.
We all felt terribel for her, but to make ourselves feel better through her suffering, we all prayerfully remarked to each other over coffee, tea and self importance about “Holy smokes, did she really think 8 years would pass and the ugly would go away??”
Poor thing didn’t even have Photoshop!!
Of course, I have no idea what happened to her, but I do hope her true friends helped her through such a truly painful and publicly humiliating experience, cuz we were AWFUL.
Just awful.
wv-gooll-who you might get if you let your PMS-ing friends build your online dating profile.
Matt! You’ve outdone yourself! Anyone who uses “proselytize” and “steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation” in the same post has a very special place in heaven….a very special place indeed….
wv: lussated, a form of lust known only to Christians.
“When I saw on her dating profile that she crochets giant murals depicting Bible stories and uses them to cover the racy posters at the video rental store, I lussated after her….”
Matt,
Okay, that was fairly awesome. I can’t even pinpoint anything that I like best.
From a female perspective, I would also mention that men who use a Christian dating site should mention that they drive a red scooter. I’m pretty sure the ladies think that’s pretty hott – matching helmet or not. And ladies, once you snag that perfect man, Matt has some excellent advice on how to please your man.
Once again, Matt – excellent post!
Really, really good!
I am crying…I can hardly type. That was so flippin’ funny.
WV: areem
which is meera spelled backwards.
Matt,
That was truly awesome. You’ve outdone yourself. Now, if the men can just learn this, it will be a match made in heaven. Seriously.
Katdish, you are truly shameless. You should be ashamed….
Wow, when I was drummed out of college without my MRS degree (I had a bachelor’s, but we know that doesn’t really count) there were no online dating services.
(All together now, “Wow! You’re old!”)
Amazingly, I was still able to meet my husband without it.
WV: reerpr
Either
The way Sherri at The Fellowship of the Traveling Smarty Pants spells reaper,
OR the kind of bad guy that we fat-bottomed girls encounter in our nightmares.
Didja see how I did that? I spammed SCL. Top THAT, fellow Smarty Pantsers.
“I am a worthless sinner saved through faith in the love and grace of our glorious Lord Jesus. I also like romantic movies.”
Absolutely hysterical.
Really very funny.
P. S. – JennyM cracks me up.
I snickered in my cubicle when I read the part about the “friend” you can have in your profile picture!
Any child with eyes as big as saucers as well as anyone over the age of 86 would also be acceptable I think.
How about this screen name for a guy? – “Son of Thunder
Again, Matt. Sorry for those Smarty Pants people.
They don’t know when to stop sometimes.
You know you love us. But only because we live far, far away from you.
Okay, the best part about that comment was that my link didn’t even work. There are days when you can find my picture when you look up the word sucktacular. Today is such a day.
Matt, this was awesome! My fav. part is the yelling “unequally yoked, unequally yoked!” with your fingers made into a cross – i can just picture that in the restaurant when you discover that “the perfect man” is not a Christian. dangerous.
YES! Finally a guide to help me become a “steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation”! No wonder I’m single, I’ve been going about it all wrong! Thanks for the help (and the laughs)!
Okay. This is just straight up hilarious.
And kind of sad because it’s also true.
Beth is really sweet.
“a steaming chunk of sexy Christian temptation”…
Instant classic my friend.
Kinda glad to be married off!
this is pure gold. just for fun-
i came up with a few honest screen names for hardcore christian daters to use…
DancingLikeDavid23
AbigailisOkwithSeconds
RedCordinWindow4U
YourHairinMyLoom83
FunniestYoke14
BoazBait1976
Solomons#382
4gvnInFrontofPhariseez
JonathonThaWingman
you get the picture…
wv: gramug
the mugshot of someones grandma after she chased down the reindeer that ran her over.
Great stuff Matt.
Blessings.
can’t we list “The Chronicles of Narnia” as one of our intrests?
Good post Matt! I was expecting greatness today and I got it. Jazz music is indeed baby making music (Anchorman possibly?). Good work.
Ok. Well apparently I’m supposed to do this:
Don’t worry, these are good clean fun sites. Happy places if you must.
Check this out!
Look over here!
Great post Matt!
Ah! Joshua Conti – you rule! ‘RedCord’ and ‘YourHairinMyLoom’ – I can’t believe that!
Boazbait1976!
Gotta love that one. (Even if I am a little biased)
Great post! I have another suggestion for choosing a screen name. Do what businesses do that want to be listed first in the yellow pages: choose a name that starts with an “a” or even “aa,” like “allforJesus” or “aamIyourrib”? Since search results appear in alphabetical order, you’ll always be among the first to come up on the right man’s radar!
I met my husband on a Christian dating site…christianmingle.com to be more specific.
It worked though! I had a pretty boring user name, but I DID have a black and white photo, and did list the BIBLE, JESUS, and serving HIM in my interests
My husband did too! His username was waitingc_i701. Or something like that. Love at first “website”
Haha.
I’m thinking I should set up a profile for my daugher. Who knows, we may even have grandbabies before 2012!!
wow!! superb post.. christian dating takes up a new turn by this post friend!!! the tips given are really very handy….finding husbands through online dating is more easy using these tips and profiles given..
admire this: “Everyone whispers when you come in the room, because you can’t possibly be happy!”
Great and humorous post we should be “You are now equally yoked.” when dating, as stated in the bible 14 Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? 15 What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? What does a believer have in common with an unbeliever?
Hahaha! I have no idea who you are or how I stumbled across this blog, but I thouroughly enjoyed your take on online Christian dating! Hilarious. I think I’ll forward it along to some friends….
very funny… bordering on the blasphemous…
This. Is. Laughable. HAHA. HAHA. Sepia makes you 30% holier? HAHA. Oh those poor sweaty heathens that may have a crush on you and your shiney Christian buddies. Giggle. This is the kind of blog that Saturday Night Live skits are based off of. Or Colbert.
Not only is it amazing that you babble this advice (which most certainly must be a joke) but that you have an audience for such drivel. It's startling..l but above all hilarious.
Keep up the good work sir, because I have not had such a good laugh in a long, long time.
Cheers!
This is just so funny. I wonder if I'll meet a DavidKnockOutGoliath out there for me?
Man, the parts about the TV, jazz music and football is right on! Too much butt slappin!
[...] Adrian Plass does a fine line in sending up this sort of jargon, as does Stuff Christians Like (Crafting the perfect Christian dating profile is particularly excellent) and Stuff Christian Culture Likes. Back in my misspent youth, I even had [...]