#480. Guilt trips.
Jan 28th by JonIf God grades on a guilt system, then I want to be upfront with you, my house in heaven is going to be sick. I don’t know if we’re still judging things by their proximity to “the hook,” but if we are, you should consider my heaven house to be “off.” There’s going to be waterslides, everywhere. Not just in the pool, but between rooms. You want to get a Capri Sun from the kitchen? Hop on a waterslide. You want to go watch CS Lewis arm wrestle Aragorn from Lord of the Rings in the Ruckus Room? Hop on a waterslide.
That last thought didn’t even make sense. What’s a fictional character doing in heaven? Am I really going to call my living room the “Ruckus Room” because that’s where the Ruckus happens and the floor is made of trampoline and the walls are made of blue cotton candy and to get in you have to open presents and watch old episodes of So You Think You Can Dance? Yes, that is exactly what I am going to do, especially if the amount of shame we inflict on ourselves has anything to do with how big our mansion is in heaven.
If self-induced shame is calculated at all into the blueprints of the beyond, my house is going to be a lot bigger than yours, because I am amazing at guilt.
Even as I write this, I’m feeling guilty. It’s like an out of body guilt experience. I’m feeling guilty about something as I write about guilt. Just phenomenal.
My greatest source of shame, the record I like to spin the most is called, “The Ways Jon Lets God Down.” Have you ever heard that one? It’s got some jams on it, including:
1. Jon should know better by now but still makes the same mistakes.
2. Jon gets arrogant when something good happens and only comes to God when life is raining.
3. Jon wrestles with the simplest elements of faith and will never be a good enough Christian.
I could go on and on, it’s an album I’m really familiar with, but lately, it’s getting harder to play it. Lately, as I’ve started to explore my shame with God, I’ve started to think that maybe God sees my shame and desire to beat myself into submission with guilt differently than I do. Maybe if I asked Him, what He thought, He’d say:
“What if you struck yourself in the head with a chain every time you felt guilty or ashamed for letting me down? What if, you physically punished yourself every time you were not perfect? What if the self abuse was physical and external, instead of mental and internal? Would the scars cry for help? Would the pain you were causing yourself seem cruel and unnecessary? Would your heart break if you watched that person? This is what I see when I watch you Jon.
My son, my son, who told you that the crucifixion was not over?
Who told you that is what I require? That is not me. My blood debt was paid long ago. And yet, you bleed. With the knife of good intentions you cut and try to edit out the parts of yourself you imagine I’ll not like. You slice and cut and bleed and fall and hurt.
I see it all. And I grieve. I grieve the joy you’re missing. I grieve the lies you’re believing. I grieve. I grieve. Stop, please stop.”
I didn’t really want to write that today. It’s been sitting in my five star notebook since December 10. And saying the word “blood” is one of those Christian words that kind of make you look like a snake handler. You’ll never hear a rapper at the Grammy’s or an athlete throwing out a verbal high five to God say, “Big shout out to God. Thank you for the blood of Christ.”
I probably look like a complete Christian freak right now. But I never realized that by beating myself up, I was putting on a parade of pain before the Lord as a way to enter His presence. And I never really thought about that hurting Him. Not because He’s disappointed, but because He loves me. Madly, passionately, unabashedly, He loves us.
So let’s put down the chains. Your house in heaven is going to be big enough and you’re more than welcome to use my Ruckus Room. I promise.
Comments
Thanks Jon. Just thanks.
Yeah ESV!
Good points, Jon. It’s funny how we never seem willing without convincing to believe that God really is good and will be good toward us.
This might be a good one for cutters and other self-injurers, actually, those who wouldn’t be triggered by it.
Your house in heaven is going to be “sick.” Love it. I am going to be over on your waterslides every day for like, a thousand years.
Thanks for posting this, Jon! I really needed to hear that. It’s amazing how God gave that to me, because this is exactly what I’ve been dealing with over the past couple of days.
I love this blog, it adds joy to my day!
I call dibs on the front row at that arm-wrestling match. Got 5 bucks on Clive to beat the spread.
Guilt is whacked… I hear ya, bro. Let’s all just stop it, already. Let’s just take all that energy we waste on rubbing our noses in our own poo and use it to just love the world like crazy.
Jon, please keep writing about guilt and shame (I mean, when you’re struggling – not like all the time, cuz that would be no fun). You are spot on, and for some reason I can’t seem to hear about God’s mercy and grace enough!
…now i feel guilty for the guilt trips
I loved this post, because I definitely do this as well. Piper had a wonderful quote on his blog that helped me immensely, from Martyn Lloyd-Jones’ classic Spiritual Depression:
“Would you like to be rid of this spiritual depression? The first thing you have to do is to say farewell now once and forever to your past. Realize that it has been covered and blotted out in Christ. Never look back at your sins again. Say: ‘It is finished, it is covered by the Blood of Christ’. That is your first step. Take that and finish with yourself and all this talk about goodness, and look to the Lord Jesus Christ. It is only then that true happiness and joy are possible for you. What you need is not to make resolutions to live a better life, to start fasting and sweating and praying. No! You just begin to say:
I rest my faith on Him alone
Who died for my transgressions to atone.”
1 John 3:20
Even if we feel guilty, God is greater than our feelings, and he knows everything.
New Living Translation
me thinks thou doth practice some extra sensory perceptionation.
Should have mentioned this at the time, but better late than never, right?
This came at a very appropriate time for me last week. I took a pay cut in December, and with that and all the rumors at work, I had to make a conscious decision to give all the worry over to God.
Last week, they cut my hours. I had a really hard time handling the news and dealing with it.
When I realized I hadn’t held up my end of the “bargain”, I felt overwhelming guilt in addition to my worry.
Timely, Jon. Thank you.
This video explains how we get to heaven tho
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XrLzYw6ULYw
Thank you so much for this post. I am so grateful that God speaks through you, because what He said, was something I needed to hear.
Thank you for this. The revelation of His love that flowed was an hour of laughing, crying, and admitting that I am loved. Thank you for letting God use you. He is amazing
Yes – exactly.
Wow. Thanks so much for sharing that. I'm a PK, too. I think guilt and shame is a huge hurdle to overcome after growing up in the pastor's family. Always having to be perfect, never measuring up. My parents didn't tell me that or instilled that in me, but I got the message loud and clear.
Your other posts have made me laugh until I cried, but this one just made me cry over the truth and sadness that I do the same thing.
Now I have one more thing to feel guilty about…
[...] post that made me cry, not in laughter, but because it touched my heart is Guilt trips. Guilt is a theme on Jon’s blog, and in this post Jon shares how God is showing him that [...]
Amazing post. I have read this one a while ago, but apparently needed to hear it again, because I started crying when I read "who told you the crucifixion was not over?" I'm a guilt-trip and shame champion, always dwelling on my sins and stupid mistakes, and I needed to remember that it gains me nothing, but rather hurts both God and me in the process. Thanks for that reminder.