#469. Thinking you’re supposed to be a minister.
Jan 9th by Jon(If you ever read the comments on Stuff Christians Like, then you know and quite possibly love Nick the Geek. He is a machine and is consistently making folks laugh and think within the SCL comment-o-sphere. I asked him to sit in today and talk about a subject I just don’t know anything about, helping teenagers decide which line of ministry to go into. Skateboards, things that are “phat” and “wicked phresh” I can do that all day. Clearly. But this one is all Nick.)
As a Youth Pastor I am tasked with helping guide teens as they choose the paths they will take into adulthood. Of course, as a minister my first thought is that all of them need to be in ministry. The problem is deciding exactly what kind of ministry God is calling them into. It is easy to plug them into Youth or Children’s ministry because they work well in those places right now, but many of them will grow up and won’t fit into those roles soon enough. One must consider the whole personality and future goals before you can accurately tell them what ministry God has called them too. To that end I have made this simple test.
Each category will have a set of yes or no questions. If you answer yes to most of those questions then you should consider that God has created you for a given ministry.
Senior Pastor
1. Do you know where the secret bathroom is?
2. Do you want to own a Cadillac?
3. Do you often get annoyed at how childish your Youth pastor acts?
4. Do you consider the church pot luck fine dining?
5. Do you own more than 5 suits?
6. Is your motto, “When two or more have gathered take up an offering?”
7. Do you have your own special version of math that involves rounding everything by large sums?
Youth Pastor
1. Do you feel that growing up is an option?
2. Is your motto, “it’s all fun and games until someone gets hurt … then it’s freakin’ hilarious?”
3. Do you dream of, or own, a motorcycle?
4. Is your idea of dressing up wearing the clothes from the clean clothes pile?
5. Is your idea of waking up early to pray involve PM?
6. Have you ever stirred orange drink with your arm?
7. Is sarcasm your native language?
Children’s Pastor
1. Do you think Youth Pastors are a bit uptight?
2. Does going to your happy place involve imagining noise that would drown out Niagara Falls?
3. Have you ever used the phrase “magic for Jesus” in a non ironic manner?
4. Have you ever been diagnosed with ADHD?
5. Do you get to bed early on Friday so you can wake up for Saturday morning cartoons?
6. Do you have the theme songs to more than 5 children’s shows memorized?
7. Do you sing them around others?
8. Is your motto, “what, I can’t hear you?”
Worship Leader?
1. Do you own more than 3 pair of Pumas?
2. Can you keep complex counts in multiples of 2s, 3s, and 4s but can’t remember how many times in a row you’ve sung a song?
3. Do you own stock in any hair product companies?
4. Do you own any pants that cost more than $100?
5. Do you like to toss “and” into random places in sentences?
6. Is your motto, “let’s sing it one more time?”
7. For guys: have you ever considered wearing women’s jeans?
8. Are you willing to fight people over dissing your style of music?
9. Are you the guy that always has a guitar?
10. During Our God is an Awesome God do you spontaneously start miming out “rolling up His sleeves?”
Evangelist
1. Is your motto, “the family that travels together sings together?”
2. Do you imagine your future wife with blue hair? (For women, do you ever secretly want to rock the blue hair look?)
3. Is your voice set permanently on LOUD?
4. Can you tell the same story 100 times?
5. Have you ever squeezed blood from a turnip?
Missionary
1. Is your motto “I’ll eat anything once?”
2. Do you speak more than one language?
3. Do you think James Bond would have made an awesome missionary?
4. Do you think sleeping under mosquito netting covered in insects as large as your fist is romantic?
5. Do you love fanny packs?
6. Do you consider indoor plumbing and electricity to be a modern annoyance?
Bonus question, if you answer yes to this then you are called to missions regardless of all previous answers: Have you ever drank the water while on a missions trip in a third world country and suffered no ill effects?
Now, since not everyone here is in fulltime vocational ministry it is up to you to decide if you are ready to finally listen to God. Maybe you have teens that need to here this so they can get into the right ministry.
Nothing is worse than ending up in the wrong ministry. Imagine being a Senior Pastor when you should have been in the mission’s field. You will be constantly searching for new and strange foods. During the middle of a sermon an insect will walk across your little tall table and instead of thinking, “we need to get the exterminator,” you will have to resist the urge to chomp down. Then you’ll look out in the congregation and find it odd that everyone is dressed from the waist up. That’s no way to live.
So figure it out now before it’s too late.
Where is God calling you? Have I missed any questions? Share your own experiences.
(For more from Nick the Geek, check out his blog.)
Comments
Scary, but your description questions put me as an evangelist. Let’s see if I can come up with internet ministry questions.
1. Can you sit criss-cross applesauce with a laptop for hours without your legs going numb?
2. Is LOL and ROFL words that you use in daily life?
3. Does your family believe that if you have children that they will come out looking like robots with keyboards in the front?
4. Do you believe that pictures are better looking than people in person?
wv:pecost
A child that sits in front of the other children and when they peek over the pew smack them in the head and yell, “You are healed by the power of Jeesus!”
@creativematt,
Good addition. I especially love the bit about wresting with ethical dilemmas about copyrights daily. I dabble in graphic design so I’ve had that self conversation. I also know what anamorphic means but I do not understand why it is 29.97 fps and not just an even 30. It is like buying gas for $1.609 … why?
Word Verification: ented
Ent School. Class takes forever but hey, they are trees what else are they going to do?
@Bella,
Thank you. I love Children’s Missionaries. We work closely with them on missions trips because Teens usually do children’s outreach.
mistymorningmountain,
yes I’m at work but it is my day off so it’s ok. I had a bit too much to do and had so speak in Chapel this morning. It will be fine as long as the Pastor’s wife doesn’t find out I didn’t take my day off this week. No body tell her ok.
@frank,
Good job. I might just be called to that ministry except I like to smack people that actually say LOL or ROFL in regular speech. I’ll start adding “You are healed” when I actually make contact just to cover myself.
Looks like I have no ministry.
Maybe I should be a deacon…?
WV: paphica – a collection of pamphlets carried around by evangelists to tell people how to gain eternal life
Nothing – I mean nothing – makes up for a small diamond. Well, except for a large, fake diamondique pinky ring to wear to a Women’s Ministry event. And a zebra jacket with fluorescent pink feather trim. Classy. Timeless. Sexy meets sanctification.
wv: askstrys
“Can I get an ackstrys for my Virginia Slims during this study?”
I have a message for Jon. You want a knockoff to make fun of? Check this out:
http://www.netflix.com/Movie/Sunday_School_Musical/70106070?mqso=80020215&partid=Sunday_School_Musical
OK Nick the Geek…here goes: Youth Pastor’s wife:
1. Your idea of a romantic night out includes teenagers and burping contests.
2. You are first aid certified.
3. Sarcasm is your love language.
4. You can multi-task like nothing else.
5. You know what lol (laugh out loud), brb (be right back), and pos (parent over shoulder) mean and you can use it in a sentence
and still sound cool.
Wow Nick -
Great job today. If I had tried to write this post it would have sounded phake. See, I have the hip words down. Give me a shot at youth ministry. I can’t grow a goatee but I would kill a mustache.
Jon
WV: abionsie
A robotic version of Beyonce. “Jon was so thankful that Nick wrote for SCL that he gave him tickets to see abionsie concert.”
Fanny packs only apply to short-term missionaries. Let us be clear on that! Long-termers hate those things!
@Peter P,
Does P stand for Pan because if so you are my hero. Also it means you belong in Youth Ministry because you will never grow up and Youth Ministers don’t grow up either. In the words of my HS French teacher, “they just go in seine.”
@Stacy from Louisville,
That is the nice thing about those diamond mine things. If you are really meant to be then you he will find a monster rock. Speaking of your taste in clothing are you sure are aren’t called to be an evangelist’s wife?
@Sarah,
I feel safe assume Scott isn’t posting. Did you read Jon’s post yesterday? I can’t remember. Anyways, great job on the YP wife test. My wife is reading over my shoulder and not giving me dirty looks so I assume it is safe for me to say that much.
@jon,
Thanks very much for this opportunity. I had a great time reading everyone’s comments and responding. More than the highlight of my week, which has been somewhat abysmal but still it was a great time. Definately way more fun than that abionsie concert. They need to work on the synth flesh it doesn’t move right and how did you score those tickets?
@jan,
All missionaries have to start somewhere. When you are first called the fanny pack seems like a good idea eventually you move on to more high tech stuff like James Bond.
To all thank you very much for making this post so much funnier with your comments. It really has been a great time.
PS Jon,
Don’t feel bad about the goatee thing. I can grow every part of a beard but nothing connects. Lambchop sideburns, the chin pat of a goatee, a soul patch, and a mustache but nothing in between. It is just weird and possibly a side effect of refusing to grow up.
Word Verification: faterl
Skinnyerl’s best friend
I answered yes to questions in a few categories, so I’m a bit lost as to what to do with the rest of my life…but that’s nothing new!
Great post, it made me laugh!
Sooooo many choices….
I know I have actually been called into ministry.
However, I love working with kids and teens from 5th grade up till highschool *where i am now…
But I also love diversity, and plan to go into the military to pay for college so I would love to be a missionary too.
If it makes me sound cool then yes, the P stands for Pan. Although it probably stands for Pan as is pan-crust pizza, which is probably what I’m made of by now.
That probably still makes me a youth Pastor, right?
WV: dertif – a motif written in the dirt
@ashleyp,
You may need to review some of the excellent additions in the comments section. That will guide you.
@TheOCJosh,
Of course you know I will say Youth ministry. Most of my comments tend that direction, but I do have a special place in my heart for chaplains in the military. If you are in the US and going military, go Air Force. Seriously they have a much better standard of living. Their guys actually get a pay bonus if they have to live on a base for another branch.
@Peter P.
I was guessing either Peter Pan or Peter Piper. I went with Pan mostly because I just don’t know how many pickled peppers are in a peck. I do love pickled peppers though.
Surely these diagnostics will prove sufficient for anyone truly called to ministry. Still, I will offer one additional question pertaining to senior pastor should perhaps some young gift continue to wrestle with his calling.
Do you hold triple alliteration to be far and above all other strategies for effectively communicating an idea?
Hilarious.
I am inbetween a youth pastor and children’s pastor.
(if we were involved in such ministries anymore)
I see a funny potential post on reformers….
Great job Nick!
WV: ingshish…how an editor views the word “English” after doing the copy editing for eight hours straight. Trust me.
Love the personal touch found in Jon’s comments everyday, and today is even more special.
I spent a little time this am learning about how a youth pastor should dress, and strongly encourage y’all (for SFL) to head over to Nick’s blog!
Then again, Jon wouldn’t recommend someone who wasn’t quality….
I am not amused…
…And you know me, I am easily amused ;p
I guess that makes me a Children’s Pastor — oh wait! I am! LOL
I know Nick from college. This article is classic Nick and is, as everyone has already said, dead-on.
Loved the Worship minister one the most!
@josh,
Great addition, I forgot about the appeal of triple alliteration. I made the mistake of taking my Homiletic class (where they teach you how to preach) with a prof that didn’t teach that style.
@Steph,
Thanks, I would recommend youth over children’s, sure they are liable to drive you crazier faster but then you will only do a better job.
@jake – aka the comment novelist,
Thanks for the props and also for the comments over on my blog.
Word Verification: orkedoc
@greg,
So did you get an account just so say that? I can imagine you uncontrollably laughing. Once you get going it takes a while to wind down.
boots worn by orcs.
No, I had a blog a long time ago, and blogger hasn’t deleted my account, so I was able to log in, so there!
Kinda freaky that most of the ones I fit into is Worship leader, and how everyone’s saying thats the funniest… haha
The Childrens Pastor one is SPOT on, I know mannny people involved in childrens ministry and most of the time I talk to them it usually involves backing away verrry slowly…
word verification – annest:
as in, annest of ants.
SO many of the young people I know have gone through a “I think I’ll get my pastoral” phase. I prefer to call it the “I don’t know what to do so I’ll be a pastor” phase.
I would fit the Children’s Pastor, but I am a missionary instead. The only question I answered yes to is that I think James Bond would make an awesome missionary… except for the killing people and a few other minor character flaws.
You should definitely add the question about making fool of yourself to the missionary column. I am in language school now, and have done that quite a few times already. We spend half of our class laughing at our mistakes. Mispronounce one letter and you are talking about the war downtown instead of the train station downtown.
this was AWESOME. i was shaking silently with laughter in my local starbucks =b
I am a missionary and loved the missionary section. My seminary degree is in Christian ed so that I can be a children’s pastor in my next life!
My aunt suggested another requirement of the missionary is that they enjoy suffering. Maybe you need to include a statement about suffering for the Lord in the missionary section. (I wish I were sarcastic enough to come up with a good line!)
@Greg, Yeah sure I know you are likely to have found a way to change the post dates on you posts to make it look like they are 3 years old just to throw me. Much Love
@Emma S,
Yes I often back away from Children’s pastors slowly. Don’t look them in the eye either they work whit kids all the time so they can smell fear, but blessedly that is all they can smell.
@Greg,
That reminds me, the children’s pastor stuff is all based on a mutual friend. I’ll give you a hint. The name rhymes with hosh jerry. Seriously a great guy though.
@Rob,
Well everyone is called to ministry, but there are lots of different ministries so …
@Anna,
That reminds me of another favorite missionary stories. A lady was speaking to a group of Spanish speaking young men. She somehow messed up and asked them to join her in the bathroom in her closing statement. Then she got up and “apologized” for her statement when someone explained what she has actually said. She told the young men in her apology, “I am so sorry what I have said has made me to be very embarasada.” I probably misspelled that but it means pregnant in Spanish.
@elkaye,
You have given me a new goal in life. I will not rest until I have mad someone laugh so hard they snort coffee out of their nose in the middle of a Starbucks.
@shan in japan,
What part of Japan? I lived there for a few years when I was very young. My first memory is the airport leaving the country. The new question will be “Are you a masochist?” I considered glutton for punishment but gluttony is one of the 7 deadly sins so missionaries should avoid that.
Yet another overlooked Minister…the famous Minister of Education! Are you cut out for it?
1. You grow up wanting to be anything other than a Minister of Education.
2. You don’t want to put yourself through the agony that is Seminary.
3. You aspire to be known as “The Announcements Guy” on Sunday morning.
4. Your vocabulary consists of words like Sunday School, small groups, life groups, visitation, programs, and discipleship training.
5. High Attendance Sunday is like Christmas.
6. When someone asks you how many contacts you had this week, you know not to respond with, “I don’t wear contacts” but rather, “Phone calls? Cards? Or Visits?”
7. You won’t mind getting calls early on Sunday morning from SS teachers who are sick, have sick kids, or couldn’t get back from the lake on Saturday night like they so wisely planned.
8. You know the LifeWay Catalog operator by name.
9. It’s cool that your children, your friends, and even your pastor will have no idea what you really do.
10. “Associate Pastor” will look good under your name on your business card.
As the proud daughter of a Minister of Education who taught me everything I need to know about spreadsheets and Sunday School, I couldn’t resist throwing this out there.
Well, here goes…
Senior Pastor
Yes to 3 & 4. But I am female, so that (unfortunately) bars me from most of these posts anyway.
Youth Pastor
Yes to 1, and maybe on 5.
Children's Pastor
Yes to 1, I wish on 5.
Worship Leader
Not a thing, nor desire for any of them either.
Evangelist
Yes to 2, but I don't think you are referring to midnight blue here.
Missionary
Yes to 1 & 2, and now that I think about it, (S/P)aul pretty much is James Bond, but even better. Oh, also, yes to the bonus, if one considers Mexico to be "third world" (I do not, and am posting as a missionary in Mexico.)
I could also add lots to this list like…
7. Is answering the question "Where do you call home?" incredibly difficult, but made easier by a world map and a bingo marker?
8. Do you wish you could change your melanin and pigment as easily as you would your shirt?
9. Do you sectetly think monocultural ministry positions heve it easy?
and finally…
10. Is Paul your homeboy?
this is freakin' hilarious, o yeah and also the worship/ youth leader loves to sing under the stars around a campfire with teenage girls. bahahahaha
Missionary. I already suspected that though. All except the fanny packs. Double on the water.