#466. Wearing a Bluetooth earpiece at church.
Jan 6th by Jon
It didn’t have to come to this.
I thought, “surely, no one will wear Bluetooth earpieces at church.” It can’t happen. But then I started to see them pop up all over town and I got nervous that they would eventually infiltrate our sanctuaries. Then I got an email from a friend that said during her Christmas candlelight service, there was a small blinking light emitting from the dark amidst the warm glow of candles. Blink, blink went the Bluetooth earpiece of someone wearing it. Blink, blink went my horrible trend emerging warning light.
Even after hearing that story I was planning to put my head in the sand and ostrich the whole thing away. But then I got a Bluetooth earpiece for Christmas. My father-in-law re-gifted me one and suddenly I was confronted with the opportunity to become “that guy.” And it’s easy, it’s such a subtle slide to becoming the guy that wears it all the time. Here’s what goes through your head:
Monday
“This thing is kind of cheesy, but I have to admit, it’s so simple to use. I just hit one button on my ear and I’m talking to people. That’s great. And it makes me feel like I’m in the secret service or some sort of international spy.”
Wednesday
“I love this thing. But where do I keep it when I’m not using it? They don’t give you a satchel when you get one. I need some sort of caddy to place this thing in when I go inside Wal-Mart. I don’t want to just leave it in the car. I guess I have to wear it inside.”
Thursday
“Wow, this isn’t so bad at all. Not only did I wear it at Wal-Mart, but I also wore it in the bank and Starbucks and at the gas station. It’s so much easier then taking it on and off all day.”
Sunday
“Oh shoot, I’m walking into church and forgot to take this Bluetooth earpiece off. I hate having things in my pocket. Maybe I’ll just leave it on. It’s not like I’m going to answer calls or anything. It’s kind of like a cool fashion accessory for your face. It’s like an earring that also receives calls. It’s cool right?”
No, no it’s not. It’s decidedly not cool to wear your Bluetooth earpiece at church. Here’s why:
1. It completely throws off the meet and greet time.
Are you on the phone right now? The pastor said we should be shaking hands with the people around us but I’m not sure if you’re having a conversation with me or someone in your ear. I’m going to lean in for the hand shake but unless you make eye contact with me I’m going to bailout at the last second and shake the hand of the guy behind you because I think you might be on a phone call right this second.
2. You look like your waiting for a better offer.
Whenever someone blackberries or starts texting on their iPhone in the middle of a conversation we’re having I naturally assume they just received a better offer than whatever I was throwing down. Like maybe I wasn’t being funny enough or interesting enough or didn’t offer as many cool apps and they suddenly realized, “Whoa, I can instantly end this average conversation and escape to a world of fantastical Internet proportions but not feel guilty because physically I’m still here.” And I’m pretty sure that’s how God feels when He sees you wearing a Bluetooth earpiece at church. Like maybe you’re waiting to see if the sermon starts to slip and if it does, it’s Bluetooth time baby.
3. Your one step closer to becoming “that guy.”
Constant exposure to the earpiece is one of the ways the insidious folks at the Bluetooth Cartel get you. The longer you wear it, the more you start to believe that perhaps getting a phone chip surgically implanted in ear is actually a good idea. Next thing you know, you’re getting a bar code, we’re all shaving our heads and wearing aerodynamic gray leotards and drinking test tubes of bright yellow energy drink while sitting on cold, white, Lucite furniture from Design Within Reach. You think I’m joking but don’t blame me when life becomes like the movie “the Island” starring Hollywood’s Ewan McGregor. (I just referenced a movie 19 people saw and a fairly obscure home décor catalog. Odd.)
Perhaps this is just another silly exaggeration at the hands of a silly blogger, but I assure you I am not joking about the impact of Bluetooth earpieces on the rightness of the world. My wife and I made a pact when I got mine for Christmas. She’s promised to punch me in the face if I ever get even close to becoming that guy. That’s how deep our love runs.
Comments
One nice benefit to bluetooths that none seem to have considered is the ability to stay comfortably ignorant of the insanity of others.
I worked with a guy for a while that talked to himself. Not the normal kind of talking to himself, but more like Smeegal or the Green Goblin from the first Spider Man. Just plain scary, but if he had one of those widgets in his ear it would have been significantly less scary. Was he talking to someone about wanting to beet them or was he talking to the voices in his head about killing me. I don’t know and I’m happier not knowing to be completely honest.
Word Verification: vochien
A stylish dog. Please forgive my French …
“La petite poodle du Francais est tres vogue. Elle est vochien.”
Should that be du or de? It has been so long I just can’t remember.
I know a woman that wears one of these things almost constantly, and I’d be with her and I’d be answering questions and talking to her for ten minutes before I realized she was talking to someone on the phone. Her responses had seemed odd to me, but I chalked it up to her normal quirkiness. Boy, did I feel like an idiot.
And another story. Once I was at the library studying and a guy was seemingly talking to someone via his Bluetooth earpiece. He even fiddled with it. I went to get a magazine and walked past him. There was no earpiece. No phone. He was just talking to himself. So it gives you an excuse when you are talking to yourself as well and suddenly you’re not as weird as me. Because I for sure talk to myself. All the time.
Haha. This is great. My friends and I always notify each other when there is a Robo-ear wearer around us. One of my supervisors at work dates this guy that always has his robo-ear in. We look forward to events that he will be at, just so we can get a good chuckle. Is that bad? However, here in the Bible belt, no good Bible believing Christian would ever use an electronic anything in Church. Electric guitar? No; Electric ear? Heck no. Ha
Oh, man. I really despise BlueTooths. I’m showing my geekiness by mentioning this, but in an episode of Doctor Who, the Cybermen used the BlueTooths to infiltrate human’s brains. So every time my husband and I see someone wearing one, we say “Cybermen.” Also, I saw The Island (which looks like it was a remake of Logan’s Run–another very awesome 70s movie).
LeLe,
I almost went with the Dr. Who reference to those alternate timeline episodes. Then I decided I had talked about the show enough lately. Even wrote a post on the show yesterday, though I didn’t mention this episode even though it did start the events that cost my favorite companion to date.
Word Verification: berfené
This is a good Cajun word that describes the little Coppertone girl.
“Look Jaque, levochein has given the little girl a berfené.”
wow, the island. my wife and I were 2 of the aforementioned 19 people that saw it (free rental, but still). And I’ve actually been the the store that is responsible for that fairly obscure home décor catalog. Twice. This was a magic day.
Even better at our church, we have two “security” guys who have the “In the Line of Fire” vintage earpiece/microphone devices that they use. I do make fun of them (they are friends), but I don’t know if it’s because they look funny, or I’m just uber-jealous that they are cooler than I am
Love the blog. I do have to mention a suggested correction to today’s entry:
2. You look like your waiting for a better offer.
Can we change that to “you’re” waiting for a better offer?
XXOO
What happened to Tuesday?
Oh wait, is that the day the Bluetooth projects probes deep into ones’ brain, sending one into a coma, and reprogramming one into thinking that its a good idea?
Ya, that must be it.
Friggen sneaky Bluetooth!
I agree with Jill, maybe it’s like those bugs on Wrath of Khan? Who knows.
Word Verification: regarg
Texting speak for regurgitate.
“I think I’m going to regarg the next time I see a Bluetooth in church.”
I must include myself as a “bluetooth hater”….I hate being a hater, but what I hate worse is sounding like Robert De Niro saying “You talking to me?….Are you, talking, to, me? YOU_TALKING_TO_ME?” then getting the irritated head shake and having to say “oh, nevermind.”
Yeah, it’s happened more than once.
Plus, one lady at church wears one and I swear it always looks like it’s about to fall off.
And you’re forgetting the biggest reason to never wear one ever!
They cause cancer.
Just like everything else including your hair dryer.
Heidi Reed
OHOH! I saw the Island! and i liked it, except that is was really a de ja vu of Gattica from the 1990′s…
I wanted to leave a comment earlier but I kept getting calls.
What was it you were blogging about again?
Hang on, another call. Someone interesting.
What now?
I went to the movies a while ago and there was a guy wearing one… in the theater. It didn’t bother me too much, but I heard people complaining about it after the movie. Fear of the cartel must have kept everyone from asking him to take it off.
I think they look cyborg-y. Too weird for me. (Of course, I might change my mind if given one as a gift or if everybody were wearing one — I hope they don’t become the new cell phone!)
ok… i think i’m #12. i loved the island! (except the part when they were operating on the awake guy!!)…
i have a bt now due to the CA hands-free driving law and occasionally forget i have it on when i leave the car. i won’t answer it when i’m around other people…
i DO think i feel a bit borg-ish when i wear it… it’s all about being a part of the collective, you know!!
wv: (now that i FINALLY have figured out what the “wv” thing is all about!!) caricali –as in, the funny ways the rest of the folks in the US picture us Californians… (like, you know, a charicature?!)
Jon, it looks like you may receive the mother of all led drops should you wear a bluetooth to church with the response I’m seeing. I’m just saying.
Yes! A man wore a Bluetooth in our church service one day. Normally this would make me go “Um, ok, whatever,” but this was also Mother’s Day and the children (including mine) were getting dedicated. This man is the grandpa of one of the babies who was getting dedicated, so he was not just a guy thrust in the baby situation. To top it off, my dad was sitting right behind him. My dad, who hates people using their cell phones in public. Like, hates with the heat of a thousand suns. AND my dad who is not sold on the whole church thing and only showed up since it was his grandchild being dedicated that day.
So, yes, I did sit there, glaring at the guy’s blinking light and thought “Today. You do this TODAY?!! Whyyyyyyyyy! WHHHHHYY!!”
This drives me nuts. Saw two on Sunday.
‘She’s promised to punch me in the face if I ever get even close to becoming that guy. That’s how deep our love runs.’
Hahahahahahahahahahhaahhahhahahahah…(pause for breath)…hahahahahahahahah.
Love it.
i saw ‘the island.’ it was an interesting movie. and the lady that used to own our current po box, must have had a catalog business, b/c we get 4-5 catalogs a week. i dont remember seeing ‘design within reach,’ but its prolly been in the pile at one point. great post!
When I was on staff at my last church I had to do a top ten list, and this was on there. We politely and sarcastically asked people with bluetooth(es) to turn them off, unless of course they were trading stock or landing a 747.
How many people have to get up at 3am just to comment?
I used to wear the bluetooth – then I found Jesus.
It is an interesting adjustment to see them as having an earpiece under their hair, and not that they are schizophrenic or demon-possessed.
This communication explosion has invaded too many venues. It is always rude to answer a call in the middle of something or to start texting in the middle of a conversation. Unless you properly excuse yourself or preface your conversation with “I’m waiting for my (insert urgent call) to call back”
I was tickled just by the picture. It looks like Joey Tribiani from Friends rocking the Blue Steel look.
w.v.- conag “No pastor, I don’t drink. I don’t even know how to pronounce ‘conag”.
I saw The Island! So there are… 10 people left now?
And they are ridiculous and I want to hate them, yet I do, in fact, own a Bluetooth. It never leaves the car. (Until the battery dies and I remember to charge the thing a month later…)
I saw the Island…reminded me of a flashier Logan’s Run….
My husband got one, it sits in a drawer in our living room. My husband buys things only if other people have them. We have lots of things in that drawer.
I don’t want to be judgmental or insensitive to other faiths in this comment, but this is really funny.
I’m in Wal-Mart the other day standing in an aisle looking at something useless I’m sure (It was not a blue-tooth headset). Then I look up and see a Mennonite man dressed in his overalls and sportin’ the beard….and yes, you guessed it, he had one. The stark contrast left me wondering if I had actually seen that.
This blog is the best and funniest thing I’ve seen in a long time!
I blame it on the fact you’re american. I’ve never seen anyone wear a bluetooth earpiece in Church in the UK.
I bet you don’t have folks wearing shorts, baseball hats and flip-flops to church in the UK, either.
I have to add this one to my blogroll.
those things are ridiculous…it’s not just rude in church – seriously, you’re so important that you have to have your bt in your head during your 1 hour at church with God a week- but it’s rude everywhere. as a person that works constantly in the customer service industry, i have run across these people a lot. me- “hi, what can i start you off with to drink?” important bt wearer- “Oh yeah i put the reports on his desk this morning…no i did not staple them, why would i staple them? oh, hold on, the waitress is asking me something..” ….yes, it’s called doing my job sir..sorry that i bothered you while you sat down in a restaurant to EAT!…so moral is, take it out when you’re in public. it’s disrespectful and shows a disinterest in others. – end soapbox
The Sunday that one of our elders did the communion thought wearing his bluetooth, I almost lost it. He seemed puzzled when someone mentioned the incident and said that he didn’t realize that he was wearing it. Now which is more frightening, wearing it knowingly or reflecting on the Lord’s Supper without knowing a technological bug is in your ear?
oh, I am so glad this is not what happens in my church. It’s just rude.
There was a guy a few weeks back sitting with one of these on and I was totally distracted. For some reason I wanted to see the little blue light flash again and again.
Reason number two is SO true! In church is just plain wrong, but elsewhere too, they drive me nuts. When I was at work on day, when these things first became popular, a total stranger was staring at me, talking, and how wrong is it to assume they’re talking to you?!? Well, these days, you’d better check their ear first!
You totally should have re-gifted that! I can’t stand those things. Tag, I’m the ostrich!
A little late to the game.
My husband stopped his 20-something daughter from using her cell phone (talking and/or texting) when she’s around him.
A couple of years ago, we were meeting her for breakfast one morning and she was REAL late. That gave her dad a lot of time to think. In that time he came up with a new rule: if the phone comes out of the purse at *any* time during the meal, for *any* reason, she has to buy her own meal.
She just about had a coronary when he told her, but she put it in her purse. And there were several times during the course of the meal that she started to reach for it, then decided against it.
Since that time, she hasn’t used her cell phone when she’s been around us.
I am in divinity school right now, and I have colleagues who wear their bluetooth devices while they lead worship and while they preach. I have yet to figure out how to point out to them how awful this is without saying something I’ll regret.
my favorite thing about this post was that not only have I seen the movie The Island but I also get DWR in print and the annoying emails from them everyday.
wow, nearly everyone who saw the Island (including me) reads this blog. What an amazing coincidence.
And while seeing a bluetooth during a church service (not yet down here in Tassie) would totally have me whistling up the worship eagle to do a quick retrieve and destroy, I wonder if anyone else has ever had the sound guy turn up with a 20inch TV to put at the desk so he can watch a car race during the service – and for some reason he was totally cheesed when I ripped him a new one; in Christian love of course (if a stupid car race is that important to you, arrange for someone else to do sound and stay home and watch it – feel the love), and bless his heart.
This is phenomenal! I'm putting this in my Top 10 list that I'm completing on Handsfree Homosapien
Recent studies suggest wearing bluetooth earpieces are linked to brain cancer.
When I'm on the door at church, I ask people to either turn off their phones, or drop them in the convenient bucket of water by the door.
I s'pose I could dunk people's heads in the bucket if they've got a growth on their ear….
This post gives me hope.
We are the island.