Massages During Church – Should this go in the book?
Dec 27th by JonI’m not sure about this one. I wrote a post back in August in which I created a fictional organization called PAMIC, People Against Massages In Church. Some people that were pro massage got frustrated so I created a manifesto defending their position called CIMAP or Church Is Massage Appropriate Place. I like the CIMAP manifesto but I think only the PAMIC manifesto belongs in the book. My thought is that CIMAP was only funny in a web environment, where people were reacting to it and interacting with it.
Usually, I’m just asking a simple question, “Should this go in the book” and am very grateful if you are willing to share your opinion and say “yes” or “no.” But today, I am curious whether you think it should go in as just PAMIC, go in as PAMIC and CIMAP combined or not be included at all.
I’ve posted PAMIC below, which is how I think it might work best in the book. But if you want to see the CIMAP manifesto, click here. Thanks again for your help.
Side hugs and constant leg drops
Jon
Massages in Church (A Manifesto Against Them)
I admit, touch is not one of my “love languages.” Few things wake me up as fast as having my wife’s elbows and knees jabbing me in the middle of the night. Or what other people would call “snuggling.”
I therefore always thought I was the only one that didn’t like the “during church massage.” But on my blog, when I briefly mentioned a lady I’ve seen at church that rubs her husband’s neck during service, a number of people commented. Suddenly, I was awash with an ocean of hope. Although I have mentioned this issue before, this time I was filled with the sense that I am not alone. I am not that weird. Perhaps, I thought to myself, I can join an underground resistance dedicated to the elimination of the “during church massage.”
And the more I thought about that idea, the more I realized that every underground cause needs a manifesto. Some brief document that lays out our thoughts about the terror we so valiantly struggle against. I googled the name of the organization I wanted to join and didn’t get any good results. So I knew it had to be me. I had to make the first move in this battle. And thus this essay was born:
The People Against Massages In Church (PAMIC) Manifesto
1. The difference between a pat and a massage.
We recognize and respect the need to pat someone on the back. Sometimes, it’s good to say “Hi” or “Good job” or “Your chair is currently resting on my big toe” with a small tap on the back. We support that. But when you pat more than four times and then linger, you have now crossed into massage territory my friend. And you’re about to find yourself on the other end of a “PAMIC Attack.”
2. Circles are great for cheerios, not church.
We recognize and respect the need to lay a hand on someone as you say hello or want to show your spouse support during a prayer. But when you start rubbing in a circle, a square or any other geometrical shape, you are now giving a massage. That’s not a big deal right? Wrong. Your rotating hand is creating what we call a “circle of distraction.” People around you will not be able to focus on the sermon as they instead become hypnotized by watching you. God hates that. It’s in Numbers or Exodus I think.
3. There are consequences if you try to massage us.
The members of PAMIC are attractive and funny and Godly and often smell very nice. Please don’t get confused by those four things and think it’s OK to ever give us a back or neck rub during church. If you do, we can’t be held responsible if you suddenly find yourself in some sort of karate arm bar lock, a sleeper hold or at the bottom of a wicked leg drop.
4. Don’t confuse not loving in church massages with not loving life, Jesus, our spouses etc.
You will assume, based on our plans to rid all churches, in all countries of “during church massages,” that we are not loving people. That perhaps you are rubbing someone’s neck as an act of worship or praise or affection. And that members of PAMIC are not into any of those things. That is adorable. It’s possible we held hands with our spouses as we walked into church. We might give back rubs at home. We could be amazing “snugglers” but when it comes to touching folks at church, we follow the Bible. And there’s not a single example of someone in the Bible giving someone else a neck or back rub while Jesus taught. I dare you to find me a verse that show someone massaging someone else while they listened to the Sermon on the Mount for instance.
Is this extreme? Perhaps, but few great revolutions started quietly. We will not go peacefully. We will march and protest and launch thousands of PAMIC Attacks. (A PAMIC Attack by the way is when you squirt someone that is trying to start a during church massage with a squirt gun full of vinegar. Or what we call at our house, “sass juice.”)
Non massagers of the world unite!
Comments
It’s interesting. The other SCL posts are kinda more pointing out and (gently) poking fun at some of the sillier things we do/say/wear. But reading them, I don’t feel like there’s a line in the sand or that I should feel strongly one way or another.
Strangely, when I read this one, I feel like I have to pick a side. And that makes it less fun. Cos we Christians often do stoopid stuff when we pick sides.
So if you put it in the book, I’d either represent both sides, or put a nice big disclaimer somewhere that prevents people from getting angsty, hunting you down and throwing Skittle bombs at your car in the dead of night.
Mmmm. Skittle bombs.
wv: suniz
you need your suniz in the Wellington sun, it is waaaarm!
Jon, You just HAVE to address this issue! This site is the first to give voice to those who endure the uncomfortable misery of watching the church massage. It’s beyond uncomfortable! Are they basking in the glow of their morning romp; or planning on eating Sunday brunch off each other’s glistening bodies? And why are they involving the rest of us?! Then there’s the FAMILY of massagers…Mom’s giving Dad a neck rub, Susie’s playing with Mom’s hair, Dad’s got a bear grip hug around Mary’s shoulders, and both of Mary’s arms are wrapped around Dad’s waist. Aaauugh! Old Testament family values in action!
That said…I’m not sure the “manifesto” is the right approach. So much of what is in this post is spot on and hilarious. There’s just something in your approach that feels “different” than your usual style. That probably makes no sense at all, but it’s all I have for now.
Jon,
You HAVE to put in PAMIC! Unlike a few other posters, I DO feel that people outside of your web audience will relate to this post (as long as they have attended a church service somewhere in America, as this appears to be a cultural phenomenon). The nice thing about the PAMIC post is that, while apparently not cross cultural, it is cross denominational. Methodists do it, Presbyterians do it, Pentecostals do it, and, yes, even Baptists do it. It is one of my all-time favorite posts of yours. The fact that it is mildly controversial is not a bad thing either, IMO. I do wish there was some way for you to include the comments from both the PAMIC and the CIMAP posts, because they were some of the funniest I’ve read on this site.
And, Deb, your comment made me laugh out loud!!
The PAMIC and CIMAP debate is one of my very favorite things about this site. I’d love to see it in the book!
Congrats on your book deal. I knew you’d get it, Clander’s stuff is too good not to ape. Once again the Evangelical tradition of ripping of pop-culture pays off!
honestly I don’t think church massaging is universal enough for the book.
PAMIC only—
I think your instinct is right on, vis a vis the latter movement is a web-community-only thing… It sounds too garanimals if you put both in, like a little matchy-matchy twin set.
Let people fill in their own blanks, and interact with your book in their brain, or be talking back to your book— or even writing to you, saying, “Hey, I love in-church massages!”
[then, the rest of us can be thinking: "Man, that is SO last year, dude")
This is your book. You are a representative of PAMIC. If those who want to make a stand for groping in church want their side heard, they should get their own book with a velvet cover just in case they need something to stroke as they read it. Maybe your book should have rose thorns or fiberglass embedded into those pages so that no one can stroke it without consequences. Just genius at work… (I had to spell check the word “genius”)
Or… you can neatly reference PAMIC in, say, a section devoted to something else (Surely there are other distractions during service) and have the manifesto as an appendix. Or a nifty sidebar. Or something other than it’s own whole chapter-y thing.
Or not.
Personally, I like it, because I’m one of those people who get really distracted by massages during worship (er… I mean, ones I’m watching. I don’t receive them. Personal bubble, people, personal bubble).
I really did like CIMAP (and the PAMIC response). I would feel the manifesto would be missing something without it — because I thought CIMAP (and PAMIC response) was funnier than the original manifesto (sacrilege, I know).
But hey, I’m weird. Whatever works.
i say, respectfully, neither. it was amusing but did not make me lol.
on a side note, i am pro-massage and anti-scratching. I mean, ew… do we really want to let our minds wander down the “what flesh-eating disease must he have” path?
just catching up on what i missed while on xmas vacation (the controversial xmas, ‘taking the Christ out of Christmas’ as my mother would say!)
THANK YOU for calling the massagers out! I score as high as you can on “touch” as my “love language”, but that doesn’t mean I want to see people being lollied on in church. You have hit upon something big, whether web, or book, or cries from the nearest mountaintop!
I just witnessed my first church massage last night and I was FULLY grossed out.
I would like my membership to PAMIC to start promptly.
I thought I was the ONLY person in the world that this bothered!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am so happy to know I am not alone and not weird. I am all for married couples having, ahem, sex (at home) and touching and being affectionate, but I have always thought that some of what goes on during church services is excessive and “why now?” “Why now in church?” I am trying to concentrate on God and they are definitely NOT concentrating on God. It is distracting! Stop it! As my Mom used to say to couples making out in public….”Go get a room!”
I’m down with PAMIC!
Count me in. [This is classic.]
yes…I loved this one…and esp laughed when 2 couples in front of me were exhibiting this behaviour on Sun past…
I enjoyed CINAP only because like you I didnt see the answers coming…
Maybe u can do that in book 2