#452. Leg dropping elves. (Or the real meaning of Christmas)
Dec 8th by Jon
Last year, someone gave my family an “Elf on the Shelf.” If you’re not familiar with it, it’s essentially a small elf in a box and a book. The book tells you that you’re supposed to hide the elf each night during the holiday season and let your kids find it. It’s magic or a messenger of Santa or something. It was wildly popular last year and is probably continuing to sell well this Christmas too.
But as I started to think about the whole “real meaning of Christmas” debate and “is Santa bad” discussion that you almost are required by law to have if you’re a Christian blogger, I started to think about that elf. He was just sitting there with a smug look on his face perched on the fireplace mantle looming over our nativity scene below on the hearth. Instead of the traditional Santa vs. Jesus discussion, I began to imagine what would happen if that elf ever ran into the characters from the nativity scene. What would that conversation look like? I present you:
Elf on the shelf meets the characters from the nativity scene.
Wise Man 1: “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Who are you?
Elf on the Shelf: “I’m the Elf on the Shelf.”
Wise Man 1: “I can see that. It’s right there on your box. I can read, kind of goes along with the territory. I’m a ‘wise man.’ But what are you doing here?”
Elf on the Shelf: “I came to spread holiday cheer and tell people about the magic of Santa Claus.”
Wise Man 1: “That sentence is so wrong on so many levels I don’t even know where to begin. First of all, please help me understand what ‘holiday cheer’ is. Is that some sort of glitter? Like a pixy dust or giggle spray or other elf razzle dazzle?
Wise Man 2: “Slow down Myrrh man. No need to get sarcastic.”
Wise Man 1: “You stay out of this Gold Guy and don’t call me Myrrh man. It’s ‘M&M.’ No one knows what Myrrh even is. I sound like some sort of under the sea creature. I knew I should have brought the gold. Everyone loves you. My gift is judged as slightly better than paprika or cinnamon. Awesome.”
Wise Man 3: “Myrrh man, Christmas is not about the gifts we give, it’s first and foremost about the gift we received. Jesus Christ.”
Wise Man 1: “I know I know, Frankincense Fellow, it’s just that you don’t understand the pressure I’m under with the Myrrh reputation. At least your gift sounds like Frankenstein and is easy to remember. When people say my gift, they never know where to finish the word, they always just kind of trail off and say, Mryhhhhhhhh. But this isn’t about me, this is about this punk elf.”
Elf on the Shelf: “I’m Elf on the Shelf.”
Wise Man 1: “Here you go again. There’s no shelf in the nativity scene and therefore no elf. I’ve got some good news and some bad news for you. The good news is I’m wearing my traveling robes and won’t be able to tune you up myself. The bad news is the shepherds are always up for a beat down.”
Shepherd 1: “What’s going on?”
Wise Man 1: “This Peter Pan looking doll over here is trying to distract us from the birth of Christ. He’s trying to steal some of sweet baby Jesus’ thunder.”
Shepherd 2: “Oh, that’s not happening on my watch. It’s on like Donkey Kong.”
Elf on the Shelf: “On like Donkey Kong? Isn’t that violent? Can’t we all just giggle and watch my Will Ferrell movie, “Elf?”
Shepherd 3: “Agreed, tossing you out of this nativity scene like a bouncer at a bar is violent but people overestimate how clean and well behaved we shepherds were back in the day. We were like longshoreman. Think of us less as caretakers of sheep and more as Pastoral Hooligans. We live under the stars and wrestle bears for fun. David was a shepherd and he cut Goliath’s head off.”
Elf on the Shelf: “Gulp.”
Shepherd 1: “Don’t worry we’re not going to do that to you. We are going to bounce you out of town like a super ball though. Drummer boy, hit me up with my theme song.”
Elf on the Shelf: “Wait, the drummer boy wasn’t at the birth of Christ either. Why isn’t he getting the bum rush?”
Shepherd 1: “Because Jesus is funky and loves a good beat. Plus, every superhero needs a theme song.”
Wise Man 1: “You’re a superhero now? How’d that happen? I must have missed that in the Bible.”
Shepherd 1: “Easy Myrrh-lin, the magician of questionable gifts. According to Matthew you guys didn’t even show up at the manger. And at least you have a name, I’m just lumped in as a “shepherd.” I’ve got no identity. I had to create my own, with a theme song.
Wise Man 1: “Good grief!”
Elf on the Shelf: “That’s from Charlie Brown’s Christmas!”
Shepherd 1: “You’re still here? Let’s do this thing.”
(Commence elf beat down.)
I’m not sure if that’s exactly how the great elf/nativity scene clash of 2008 happened, but it’s how it happened in my head.
Comments
lol…this is great. that elf on a shelf seems a bit frightening to me. If you want to check out my blog, I wrote a long rant on why Christmas is a pagan holiday…anyawy have a great day, and keep up with the funny…it’s great!
if this is what goes on in your head…..can’t wait until your next seminar to hear what comes out of your mouth……
still praying for your wife……
wv: sware……
What I’m sure your grandmothers’ thought…”I sware there’s something different abou that boy…..”
I think you need to write about modern day golden calfs (suvs).
http://www.reuters.com/article/marketsNews/idUSN0746551320081207
That. Was. Awesome.
i enjoyed this immensely! Razzle dazzle, Jon!
I love the whole neverending myrrhhhhhh thing because my doofy husband loves that word. Around this time of year he’ll just say it for no good reason. We’ll be driving along and he’ll start myrrhing. It’s like his version of Seinfeld’s “salsa.”
hahaha
well written my friend. someone should make it into a movie and put it up on youtube
This is so stinkin’ funny! I am pretty sure I just freaked out everyone I work with when I started laughing histerically. This post should be in your book for sure!
this cracked me up! brilliant!
I think that churches should make this into a play that can be done every year. I would play the shepherd because I would love to give a Christmas smackdown…
word verification – surider
License plate of an Attorney
Love this!!! Very creative! I think the elf thing is creepy, too.
Still laughing. . .
Hilarious!!!!
I love it!! That elf is creepy looking, he needs a beating from the longshoreman shepherds!
jon, seriously could I have your permission to recreate this scene along the lines of a Robot chicken segment?
wow. So, that’s what goes on in your head? I think that’s the most random and strange post I have ever read. Great stuff, Jon.
What slays me is that I too have dramas in my head and I re-write how things SHOULD have gone down. Although, I can’t say that I’ve thought of Donkey King and an Elf at the same time .
Truly hysterical!!!
WV-parsu. When Sue golfs.
“Y’all is at parsu!!”
wonderful post. my brother got a purple dinosaur Barney that was similar to the EOS. Somehow I don’t see Barney talking smack to Myrh Man
If someone’s already brought this us, I’m sorry…
But how come all those stupid elves are always sitting with their arms wrapped around their knees? Are they getting into the fetal position for wise man *ss whoopin? What’s your take on that?
This story is hillarious. The elf on a shelf guy is kinda creepy to me. If my parents had put that thing in our house, I dont think I would have been able to sleep at night….thinking about that thing getting up and moving around while you were sleeping. Actually I would have glued that elf to the mantel.Anyways, I could picture the Wise Men breaking out the baseball bats and the Shepard with his staff, itching to beat that elf down.
Hehehe. Hehe. He.
Great post!
wv: flethshi
A really cool way to spell “fleshy”.
wow, jon.
those must be really strong meds you’re taking, but great writing.
my WV is … advent
your post puts a sinister spin on advent conspiracy.
(which is a very good thing)
I thought you might appreciate the humor in this: Some close friends of my parents give a presentation (sometimes with power point!) at their bible-study christmas party about how Santa is evil, as evidenced by the fact that you can rearrange the letters in “Santa” to spell ‘Satan”. Because obviously that means he’s evil.
Definitely one of your best posts, Jon! Wow I laughed so hard
Keep writing 
Myrrh-Man…lol
Reminds me of Zoolander: “A MerMAN, Dad, a MerMAN…”
We watch Elf, A Charlie Brown Christmas and Nativity Story every year. My favorite part of Elf is “You sit on a throne of lies!” That will never get old.
lol@Anon! I never before noticed that “Santa” is an anagram of “Satan”! That is priceless!
I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it went down!
Love your imagination!
I’m pretty sure this is exactly how it went down!
Love your imagination!
Totally tongue in cheek, and as a big fan of Santa, I mentioned one Sunday (while preaching) that Santa and Satan have the same letters. Yes, I was trying to be funny. 1/2 the people saw that as confirmation that Santa is evil, the other half figured I just ruined Christmas for them.
This deserves to be in the SCL Hall of Fame!!
hilarious
“I just thank God everyday she didn’t live to see her son become a Myrrh Maid.”
“Myrrh Man, pop, … Myrrh Man.”
This is officially my favoritest post ever and has FOREVER changed my outlook on the wise-men and Christmas! They definitely had good taste in movies (as do you).
Jon, side hugs and skittles!
WV: dises
What Jon does to come up with these crazy ideas!
Digress is the spoken form, Dises is the mental form.
Oh, and using the same logic of the santa/satan thing, I would like to point out that “god” and “dog” have the same letters in them, so, obviously, dogs are gods and worthy of worship.
But .. we all know that can’t be true because if there are any animals that think they are worthy of worship, it’s cats, not dogs. Also using the same logic, I’m pretty sure “cat” is another way of spelling “satan”.
You have quite the imagination! I see a Christmas Pageant script in your future!
i am posting comment number 84. that means that at bare minimum 80 people have seen this post (stacy from l. probably commented more than once). 80 people from all over the world imagined this whole scenario out in their minds because of one crazy blogger. (you’re brilliant, jon, but a bit crazy.)
at least 80 people imagined what your fireplace and mantel look like. we pictured the size of the figurines who were (in our minds) smack talking one another on your hearth. that is amazing to me. you have a lot of power, acuff. a lot of power.
wv: cries. “myrrh man cries himself to sleep due to a poor rep on the streets. stupid myrrh.”
Wow, this post was so wrong and so right on so many different levels.
Let's spend some more time arguing about whether to say "Merry Christmas" or "Happy Holidays." I just know the Lord cringes everytime he hears the "HH" and has a wry smile every time it's "MC,"….particularly in light of the fact that the word "Christmas" does not appear in the Bible – and the word "merry" is frequently used in a pejorative sense. (Wow – look at Revelation 11:10 NKJV).
I've just found you blog and already I'm hooked. This has got to be the funniest thing I've read in a long time. Someone mentioned coffee through the nostrils, well it's night here and it was soda. OUCH! but well worth it. Thanks for sharing.