#428. Folding under the pressure of passing the offering plate.
Oct 29th by Jon(I’m in Nashville today doing morning devotionals at Dave Ramsey’s headquarters. I thought it would be fun and appropriate to have a money themed post in honor of Dave Ramsey. I asked my good friend Curtis, who won the Bulletin Bored contest, to write today’s post.)
Now, you probably all know what most people’s top fears are: death, public speaking, the lead singer of Sonseed chasing you through a dark alley (once I tried to run, I tried to run and hide), etc. Well, my number one fear is one that is not as common, but is just as real: being called on by the head usher to pass the offering plate. In the days of my youth, (no lie) I stopped attending Sunday night church because the main Sunday night usher would ask me to do the offering every week. I was afraid of folding under the pressure.
This is the reason my palms are sweaty during the greet-those-around you time—not because of my lack of social skills—but because I know what’s coming next, for the bulletin tells me so.
At church this weekend, I witnessed an offering tragedy that left me shaking in my penny loafers. As the offering was making its sweep through the congregation, the ushers both passed their plates down my row. What resulted is what I like to call an Offering Train Wreck. The money exploded out of the plates and the offering guitarista broke two strings while triple strumming some Shane & Shane song, causing the powerpoint screen to rip in half. Okay, that is a *slight* exaggeration, but it is exactly why I don’t want to have anything to do with passing the plate. As a great comic book sage once said, “With great power, comes great responsibility.”
What other offering shenanigans have you witnessed? Here are a few of my favorites:
1. In No Man’s Land:
When there are 20 spaces between you and the next person on your row, so you have to awkwardly scoot/walk all the way over to the next person to hand them the offering plate (especially when they don’t meet you 50/50).
2. The Plate Toss:
This event has not come to pass yet, but the day I give in to my uncontrollable urge to throw the offering plate like a throwing star, Frisbee, or perhaps even a discus is coming soon.
3. Hot Plate!:
This is a game I invented in my head to make the offering portion of the worship service a little more like hot potato or musical chairs. The guitarista or pianissimo is playing music during the offering and stops at random intervals. Whenever the music stops, whoever is holding the plate has to drop in a 20 dollar bill. That would really add some razzle dazzle to the plate passing portion of the service.
None of this is meant to be an endorsement of any kind of unorthodox offering hijinks, but I’m sure you have your own offering shenanigan stories full of tomfoolery and, in some cases, uninhibited frivolity (which is frowned upon in most denominations). Please share your stories so I won’t be alone in my fear of messing up the offering.
p.s. You can find more of Curtis at viciousbandnames.blogspot.com
Comments
Curtis: Sweet post. Makes me want to throw pocket candy in the offering plate. If our church had one. We have a treasure chest looking thing that sits by the door. I call it the “Storing-Up-Treasure-In-Heaven Chest.” And speaking of candy three sentences ago, no I haven’t forgotten your Skittles. In fact, I’m headed out to get them this afternoon…they might arrive in time for Halloween!
when i was little, i went to a small church and the usher asked me if i wanted to pass the offering plate. So i did…
I dropped it in the middle of the aisle.
$5s and $10s everywhere, loose change spilling into the cracks in the floor. 10 people had to help me pick it all back up…it was bad
Kemma,
Your story is HILATIOUS!!! I laughed out loud (and I’m in my college’s library, so I had to muffle it!)!!
Beth,
Candy in the offering plate? Great idea! I wonder how they’d react if I dropped a few of those mini bags of skittles in real quick like…
Um, yeah, typo. I definitely meant HILARIOUS…maybe I should actually read my comments before I post ‘em
I have not read all the comments, so forgive me if I repeat. My father once had the dreaded “tug of offering war” with an usher. We were visiting at someone’s church and where we were used to the usher passing the plate down the row, this church had the ushers just really lean in from each side to reach into the centre of the pew. So woe to my dad who was sitting on the aisle and didn’t know this game.
As the usher put the plate in front of my dad, he grabbed hold of it. The usher did not let go. The tug of war ensued with my father winning. He proceeded to pass it by our family and onto the member beside us.
The poor folks in the row didn’t know what to do with this plate in their hands. They eventually passed it down the row, but then woe to the usher who had two plates in his hand! What a dilemma we caused. Good times. Way to make a visitor feel “extra special”.
@Barbara,
That’s awful, yet somehow I’m not surprised by it. The usher was probably mad that your father sat in “his” seat:)
In my youth ministry, we generally sit on couches at the back of the room or the floor during the offering. So when it’s tithe time [try saying that 5 times] a couple people go around the room holding out buckets for people to drop money in. So if you have offering you have to raise your hand up so they know who to come to. Risky move. Good: Avoids situations like ‘No Man’s Land’. Bad: Well, didn’t I say it a couple sentences ago? Hands?? It is an interesting strategy.
I too fear dropping the offering plate. Fortunately we now use a plastic bucket which is virtually spill proof … but there’s still the communion plate I have to worry about.
Hilarious!
Another offering issue that I have debated with my mom. When is the right time of the service to have the offering? Before the sermon, so that the minister can take a peek and know what kind of sermon to preach? Umm, there is only $200 here so I will only give a so-so sermon
Or after the sermon and you can rate the minster’s sermon by how much is in the plate? Wow, the preacher did great, I guess I will give them my $20 bill, instead of the coins and pocket lint from my pocket.
Is this the equivalent to pay for performance for ministers?
I found my favorite way to do the offering when I attended various churches in Peru. It was during a whole segment of “blessing”, when everyone would get up and sing and clap up and down the aisles, making their way to the offering basket up front. It was raucous and FUN, and you actually felt like a cheerful giver. On your way up and back, everyone stopped to hug and kiss and tell you Que Dios te bendiga (don’t know if I spelled it correctly), which means “may God bless you!”
We loved it so much that we incorporated it into our youth group offering time – well, not the kissing. But the coming forward to give. Since everyone is moving around, it’s not super obvious who is not giving, which is helpful to avoid embarrassment.
Sigh. I miss Peru.
BouncerBallerina,
I went to Peru for 2 weeks last year on a mission trip and we went to a church once in the evening. I don’t remember them collecting offering, but I remember how when the pastor prayed everyone else quietly prayed out loud at the same time. I thought it was so cool that they were so passionate and heartfelt in their prayers. I remember the kisses too.
I wasn’t there for very long, but I also miss Peru!
This might have been mentioned already…
… What about when the ushers accidentally pass the offering plates down the same aisle. If you’re lucky you’re at the spot where they meet and you get to choose which plate to place your tithe in. Otherwise, you’re one of the unlucky ones who already put your tithe in the first plate and now you get a second one. You just want to stand up and say “mine is in that one down there!”.
Meanwhile, the ushers have a stare off trying to figure out which one is going to get the next aisle so that everything is back in order.
During one well attended Easter service, my dad was an usher. The plate was rather small, and everyone was using those little offering envelopes, which take up more space in the plate. When he was about half way down the middle aisle, he realized that the plate was piled too high to hold any more envelopes without having an envelope landslide. So, being the quick thinking guy that he is, he scooped a bunch of the envelopes out of the plate, stuffed them in his jacket pocket, and continued passing the plate. You should have heard he gasps as people thought the usher was stealing the offering!
I got a good laugh out of this one!! I'm trying to imagine our stoic little church observing such an action! Priceless!!
one Sunday morning I heard a mom behind me sternly tell her toddler to “put your money in the plate!” After a slight pause I heard a ffftu sound, followed by the clink of a coin hitting the metal plate. Took me a minute to realize the boy had been holding the coin in his mouth. Sure was glad I wasn’t counting contribution that morning.
Well I actually did mess up the offering once. I was visiting a church my boyfriend was trying out, A&M church of Christ, and we decided to go to the little communion service after the regular service ended. I was from a baptist church and had never done communion any way but the way I learned at that church. So when they finished passing the little cups of grape juice and little crackers, I began wondering where to put my empty cup (at the baptist church they passed around a thing to put trash in) and I was still pondering the placement of my trash when a golden plate was passed to me. Of course, without even hesitating, I place my empty cup and a napkin in the plate, all the while wondering why they had such fancy trash collectors here. As my boyfriend doubled over in muffled laughter, I then realized I had put my trash in the offering plate. We both began laughing so hard that our faces turned red and everyone stared. It was embarressing beyond words…but still rather hilarious.
i avoid the whole deal by donating online then sitting in the upper back part of the church! gotta love a big church!
I just caused an “Offering Train Wreck” two weeks ago. I think everyone thought it was funny so there will be no permanent emotional scars.
Course I had my 2 year old daughter with me so maybe they were just smiling at her in pity. “You poor thing, your daddy is an idiot”
i once saw a man put in a twenty dollar bill and take out change (a ten dollar bill). i mean hey, the man only wanted to give $10. ha! it was absolutely hysterical.
I find it amazing that so many people find it so difficult to pass offering plates/bags/buckets. I would much rather pass the plates than to give announcements, ala Nick the Geek. Now, being concerned about passing the communion trays I understand, but how can the offering trays/bags/buckets be so traumatic?
When I was young, I was the "offering plate boy". It would start with the pastor (my dad) bringing out a wicker shaped bowl thing from under the pulpit and putting it on top. Then, I, along with a few of my friends, would freeze as we watched the worship leader scan the congregation for the bearer of the basket. His eyes would usually stop on me and as he was singing, would give me a nod to let me know that I had been chosen. Snickers and giggles followed me all the way up to the pulpit.
The most awkward thing though was going over to the ladies side (traditional church) where the elder women would stop me and ask me to break a $20 right there for them. Of course, they would always want back $19 dollars so I would have to fish out a wad of bills and some loose change for them. One lady was always impatient and would just prospect herself, leaving me standing awkwardly for 30 seconds while she finished. We only had about 50 people in the whole church, but most of the time I would still be counting loose change as the song ended and would stride with my head bowed to the front and place the wicker basket back on top of the pulpit.
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