#403. Stuff Christians Like/Stacy From Louisville Cooperative For the Preservation Of The Integrity of Bible College Love Super Quiz 2008
Sep 18th by Jon(I’m at MinistryCOM08 in Oklahoma on Thursday and Friday. In my absence, I asked two of everyone’s favorite writers to take the helm of Stuff Christians Like for the next two days. First up, the ever sarcastic, ever hilarious Stacy from Louisville. For more from her, check out her site, stacyfromlouisville.blogspot.com)
Bible College is just plain weird. Take everything that drives you nuts about church culture. Throw it into really close living quarters. Take away deodorant, fashionable clothing, and common sense. Fold in a hymnal, lots of suits from the 80s, and a curfew. Sprinkle it with controversy and lint from the pockets of scary elders. Add 2 gallons of angst from trying to maintain technical virginity, and ta-da! Instant Bible College. (Some assembly required.)
Perhaps the most distinguishing characteristic of Bible College is the number of girls who attend with the soul purpose of acquiring their Mrs. Degree. Never mind that many, many of the guys who attend Bible College are already hot and bothered over polyester and the smell of a freshly Pledged pulpit. Still, there is one thing every Bible College guy needs before he can assume his first full time preaching position: Wifeage. That’s right, a delicate, though not necessarily too attractive, member of the opposite sex. Additional requirements include: a) owning 3 dresses from 1986, b) a stellar ability to cry on command, 3) wide hips for childbirth, and d) it helps if she’s a Christian.
However, it must be said, not every girl who goes to Bible College wants to marry a preacher. I went to Bible College to actually go into vocational ministry. I had no plans in any way, shape, or form to get married! Wicked crazy, I know, but it’s true. I actually graduated single, which was a risky choice. Everybody knows a girl doesn’t get married within 3 months of graduation has a 76% higher chance of never saying “I do.” It’s a good thing I met Dan or right now I’d be icing the cake of my own tragedy. Whew. Guess I dodged a bullet that time.
Obviously you can see the conundrum for young women who attend Bible College. Do they sell their soul to the Bible dictionary, pony up to the polyester smack down and shout, “Preach on!” Or, do girls opt for vocational ministry, thereby rolling the dice when it comes to love and romance? What a sticky pickle! Wouldn’t it helpful if there were, say, a beacon of light to guide these girls in their hour of need? You know, maybe a quiz, thrown up on someone else’s blog when the owner is out of town? Well, you’re in luck…
Welcome to the Stuff Christians Like/Stacy From Louisville Cooperative For the Preservation Of The Integrity of Bible College Love Super Quiz 2008
The purpose of this quiz is to help you determine if you should marry a preacher or stay single in Bible College. Answer the following hypothetical scenarios according to the decision you would make if you were a single female in Bible College. Guys, just read along. I’m serious. Don’t pretend you’re a girl when you’re reading Jon’s site. It’s poor form. Here we go!!!!
1) Your major is:
a) Bible and youth ministry, elementary education, missions, or urban outreach
b) You don’t pick a major. College may cost $9,000 a year but that’s not too much to pay to find your true love. Besides, everyone knows pastors are loaded and he won’t mind paying off your loans.
2. You open the closet in your room to reveal:
a) ringer t-shirts, a SCL t-shirt, jeans, flip flops, a pile of dirty laundry and a half-eaten bag of Cheetos.
b) Four hoop-skirt bridesmaid’s dresses, cellophane wrapped wedding dress, a hand sewn polyester/leather tie nighty combo, and 15 complete sets of maternity clothes
3. You’re in your room studying when you hear frantic shrieking from down the hall. Instinctively you know it’s “the engagement ring scream”, meaning someone else – not you! – is getting married. You:
a) Roll your eyes and finish your paper while humming “Another One Bites The Dust”
b) Grab your stuffed cat, Kooky Kitty McScratchbottom, bury your head in your pillow and contemplate wearing more skirts that reveal your shapely ankles
4. In Church History class Mr. Bible Banger leans over and says, “What’s today’s date?” You:
a) Pull out your birth control dial pack, flip it open and say, “Let’s see. Oh! It’s Thursday already! No wonder I’m thirsty!” (Extra points if you throw in a wink.)
b) Bat your eyelashes, straighten your hair bow, and say, softly, “Kind sir, it’s September 18, 2008 in the year of Our Lord. Might I water your camels?”
5. A cute guy asks you for help with his homework. You:
a) Walk with him to the library and teach him Greek
b) Type up his sermon outline, iron all 10 of his short sleeve dress shirts, make a casserole, and cross stitch Bible verses on his damp handkerchief.
You’re doing great! Last one….
6. A guy you’ve been seeing asks you to marry him. He promises to love you and:
a) You suck his face off instead of answering his question and tell him you’ll get back with him…later.
b) Never throw you under the bus when the elders blame you for the crappy women’s ministry program
So, how did you score?
Mostly A
You should not date in Bible College. You should not get married in Bible College. You probably should not ever say the words “Bible College” or speak a sentence with the words “Bible” and “college” in it, ever. You are cut off. Know why? Because you are like me. As I stated before I graduated from college single, which was fine with me. What I didn’t tell you was that because of my sass mouth I didn’t have too many dates in the straight-laced environment of my college. Don’t get me wrong, I had a blast in college, especially when I learned how to break the rules and not get caught. Am I proud of breaking he rules? Why yes, actually. But I’m most proud of not getting caught. In the grand scheme of things, that’s all that really matters. I think. Flash forward 10+ years and I’m married, I’ve got two kids, and from time to time I break out my Bible dictionary. Does that make me better than anyone else? No, no it doesn’t. That’s what a diploma is for…
Mostly B
Marrying a pastor isn’t necessarily a bad thing, I guess. Getting married as an excuse to have sex and be out past curfew is, and I saw a lot of that, unfortunately. There are some guys who attend Bible College who are hip and fly. If you’ve got your sites set on a Metrosexual future worship leader, that’s good. If he rocks the Pumas and the faux hawk, that’s even better. If he’s really hot in a subversive, yet dark and Biblical kind of way and could potentially make $75K traveling with his band, “The Hermeneutics”, then by all means, find that guy and suck his face off without hesitation. On the other hand, if you’re going to an ultraconservative school that cranks out obscure, pulpit-hogging Bible bangers with weird hips and unzipped flies, you need to pay attention. This quiz might just save your bacon.
So there you have it. My best attempt at breaking free from the comments section on SCL. For years now I have told my husband, “One day Honey, I’m gonna make you proud.” I’m sure in his mind he thought I might return to my prebaby weight or cure cancer or something. But no. God had bigger plans. I get to traipse around SCL for one whole day. You know, that’s pretty good for a chick that was single when she graduated from Bible College.
Comments
There was a guy at my Christian college–Bible major, of course, who said a preacher boy should date only a pretty girl because a pretty girl can become a good Christian, but a good Christian whose ugly can’t become pretty.
Technical Virginity?! So wrong, but so right! LOLOLOLOL
PREACH IT SISTER!!!
The only thing more intense than bible college is an all girls’ bible college. I came out single, but with the military school down the street it was a close call. My goodness, the memories.
I had a friend at PCC (if you’re in the know, you know) that got “campused” because she and her boyfriend were “looking too deeply into each others’ eyes.” Oh, no, she was punished when she told the administrator that it was a good thing she was wearing her contacts or she’d be pregnant by now.
Hi Ginger,
Thank you for reading my post. I respect your opinion. I would like to clear up some questions.
I think it might help for you to know that I went to an extremely small college. So, perhaps such a small community served to super concentrate the mix, if you know what I mean. There were many people, myself included, who desired to serve God in vocational ministry. Many of these people had pure motives, which I respected then as I do now.
However, it was my experience that there were a good number of guys and girls who had ulterior motives for attending college that had nothing to do with ministry. Unfortunately, I saw a good number of guys who were more excited about the prospect of authority a preaching position held than they were about actual ministry. Yes, I do take issue with this.
As far as the females went, obviously not all girls, myself included, went to get their Mrs. Degree. Those who ended up married, I wish them the best. Though the concept of going to Bible College for an Mrs. Degree is a stereotype, the stereotype exists because there is truth in it. Yes, the quiz is an exaggeration, but for every scenario I illustrated, I have a real life example to back it up.
I do take serious issue with pursuing marriage for the sake of being married. This happens a lot in Bible College. Many people, unfortunately, find themselves in a world of hurt if that is their situation. Marriage is hard enough when you are married to your best friend, let alone if you are married to someone you hardly know, or if you’re getting married because it seems like the thing to do.
I hope this helps clear up any questions you may have.
Stacy
Loved it, Stacy! Even though I have never been in that particular environment, there was a contest similiar to this in our church. Heck, I had married my former youth teacher(and am perfectly happy to have done so). So, thanks for the laughs, and your last comment: well said!
@sarah,
We might have gone to the same BC. Southern MO?
Loved it! I graduated Bible college single (and still am). Didn’t have time to date between papers, studying, work and an internship
I enjoyed this post for what it was, I have a lot of friends who went to bible college and had these exact experiences, and I did not apply to bible college for many of those reasons. So while I laughed during the read and I found the post for the most part quite amusing, I was pretty disappointed to see the references to birth control and sucking faces off. That’s not irreverent or subversive, it’s actually just inappropriate, regardless of where you’re going to college.
Oh “christian”, how clueless thou art!! Have you any idea how many couples QUIT Bible colleges because they got pregnant????
And “sucking face” is no where near as shocking as some of the stuff that goes on. Really, I do respect your opinion and thoughts. I do. Honest. But wake up and smell the camels, because it is a VERY hard place to be single. What with all the whipsers of “A’s mean your sanctified, and C+ means you’re practically living your own personal hell”. Oh, and “what do you MEAN you don’t have a fiance?? Don’t you *like* men???”
The pressure is RIDICULOUS!!!! Take hormones, toss in conforming to whatever STUPID rules the school has, guys who lust and then some school work and debt. Now you have a raging tornado of confusion.
Be thankful there are little pills and the occasional face to suck on. It could be FAR worse.
Go Stacy!!!
Thanks for an awesome day! Seriously, you all made this so fun! It’s 10:45 in The ‘Ville and my reign on SCL is nearly over.
(dim lights)
(Cue Ray Boltz)
I’d like to thank my parents, who conceived me. But I can’t elaborate or I will spew….
I’d like to thank Dell Computers for the adjustable glare on my screen. By noon the radience of my post nearly burned a hole in my rentas, like when you stare strainght into an eclipse (or UFO)….
I’d like to thank all the rappers I’ve ever seen on any awards show who reminded me to thank God, even if they’re playing Booty God Booty fakeage…
But most of all, and I mean this with such sincerity, I’d like to thank everyone who agress with me that, yes, I am awesome in a really strange and blog hogging kind of way. Never again will I have such an opportunity as I had today. Because Jon will see this comment and cut me off….
Dang, dang, dang!
Much love to all of you,
Stacy
Christian–I used to think along the same lines until I went to Christian college. And then became an R.A. and had to tell people to stop sucking faces in the common areas. And then watched friends have a kid about 7 months after their wedding. And heard countless other confessions.
In general I’m not at all in favor of sex before marriage…but it happens WAY more than anyone knows or will admit. And unfortunately too many people are horrendously ignorant of biology 101. Get those poor girls some birth control so they don’t end up procreating before their time.
Oh my. “Can I water your camel?” caused out loud laughter. I didn’t go to a Bible college but a “secular” university (gasp!), but was involved in a Christian sorority. We had the candle-lighting ceremony that Sarah mentioned but we sang our sorority song while the candle went around. With 80+ girls it took FOREVER to pass the candle around the circle 2times and I wanted to blow out the candle myself just so the singing would stop!
You gotta love those Bible college stories. I did not graduate from Bible College but I did survive three years without getting married. My school also had the creepy candelighting ceremony, which I hated and usually tried to avoid. I did enjoy the final result as we took a page out of the guys book and after the creep candlelighting we threw the newly engaged girl into a bathtub filled with ice water. Great memories and a fun post.
Yeah, Bible College (pentecostal)was great. I ended up finding my bride will an attendee. However, I drove three hours away to a Ben Folds concert to meet her. She then visited me (at the Bible college). She got pregnant. I got kicked out. A year and half later we got married. I begrudgingly finished my degree. Got my MA. Had 3 more kids. became Catholic. Good times, great experience.
Pennyb….
I know some people from PCC and heard plenty of others….and WOW….
Beth and Stacy….that CCC thing is so true!! This past year of my CCC friends, I know of at least 7 marriages in the past year from my campus! I mean, isn’t the mantra “win, build, send, get married?” HAHAHA
so great stacey.
jon thanks for sharing.
@sarah and Nick the geek i went to SBU in southern MO did both of you cause thats kind of fun! did either of you two ever meet anyone in the gazebo?
great job stacy!
makes me glad I avoided Bible college altogether… now I get to continue to chip away at my undergrad degree at the local state college (gasp!) while my hubbie and I do college ministry together. at public colleges no less… (double gasp!)
and oh, my word! the birth control in Bible college…ha! what a rebel…
Stacy, this was fabulous. So funny . . . and, somewhat unfortunately, so true. Thank you for not failing to disappoint!
Wow! You made it to the big time! I’m so proud!
And of course I laughed out loud. Especially at the bit about watering the camel. Well done.
“That’s what a diploma is for…”…sorry, it was hard to continue after that…I was laughing so hard!!!
Oh, and, to Nick the Geek…”Bridal College”…PRICELESS!!
Razzle Dazzle Stacy, Razzle Dazzle. Great blog post. I’m sad I missed all the bible college fun. I personally think a good tee shirt for a pastor’s wife would be “I survived bible college and all I got was a pastor.”
oh that would be a cool shirt
hey “jennym” and skerrib,
Thanks for showing your respect for my opinion by calling me clueless and attempting to enlighten me about biology 101 and about how prevalent sexual behavior is at bible colleges. Perhaps I should have made it more clear in my post that I already know about the extent to which this goes on. As I mentioned before, I have friends who went to bible college and I am quite aware of the rampant sexual immorality that occurs on such campuses, just as it did on the secular campus which I attended, as well as I am the pressures to be in a relationship and the inevitability that taking a bunch of hormonal young people, eliminating parental oversight and placing them in day-in, day-out close contact and living quarters will result in such behavior. Please explain, exactly how does this make such behavior appropriate or anything but tragic? Hardly something to laugh about. And somehow I suspect that birth control will do little to lighten the pressure or change the culture, which is the root of the problem in the first place.
i just got to reading ur post. i think the last paragraph was the funniest lol! good job!! and im def. checking out ur blog!
I’ve read through the comments since yesterday and noticed a bit of a stir. I’d like to address a couple of issues my post brought up. Then hopefully we can put any confusion behind us.
1) Yes, I referenced birth control in my post. Perhaps I went too far. What I must say is that I was in no way encouraging promiscuity in Bible College, or anywhere else. I agree that birth control doesn’t solve any problems. I used it as a point of exaggeration, nothing more.
2) Yes, I used the phrase “sucking someone’s face off”. Again, exaggeration. But still, it did happen, and often. At SCL we have all read “making purple”. This was offered in the same light.
3) On a very personal note, as a reader of SCL, I read the comments along with most posts. Jon is great about letting people have differing opinions, and even giving an open forum for debate, which is great. We can laugh, be convicted, and even disagree in a Godly, respectful way. Yet sometimes debate turns into jagged blows that can affect everyone because there is a sense of community at this site. Non-verbal communication is lost when words are written rather than spoken. So, it’s important to choose words carefully, making sure to assume the best about everyone involved. But, that’s just my 2 cents so take it for what it’s worth.
Have a good evening!
thanks Stacy for your thoughtful clarification. I appreciate and respect that. I posted not to criticize you but out of concern that certain issues were being a bit too lightly. keep on dazzling!
skerrib- seriously? “get these poor girls birth control”? thats right, college age folks just cant say no, just animals without any self control. woah!
This does not represent the Bible College I’m from!
Multnomah Bible College (a school of Multnomah University) has not seen a “prairie dress” in at least 20 years!
Also, be original…typical Christians stealing someone else’s idea for a blog title (like “stuff white people like”)…almost as bad as the average CCM artist or “Know Fear” shirts from the 90′s.
Razzle Dazzle, Robert. Razzel Dazzle.
pennyb – I heart your story about your friend wearing contacts when gazing deeply into her significant other’s eyes!
Stacy – enjoyed the post, and I so much appreciate the additional posts to help us remember what’s important and to clarify your heart behind the post. I admire the way you’ve handled your coup of SCL.
Bible College grad here, five years out and no ring:)
My favorite: my friends brother was visiting and he noticed a couple making out in the front seat of a car- with seatbelts on. He christened it “BC safe sex” and we still laugh about that.
loved the post!
Katrina thats hilarious!!!
I think im missing out by not attending Bible college right now.. just a regular secular college for me.
Robert obviously hasn’t read post #1. Too bad for him, but for the rest of us we can enjoy the wonderful humor. Stacy, loved the post. The birth contol bit did make me flinch a bit, but otherwise was great.
And it may go both for both genders, one night I went out to eat with some friends and our waitress was named Rebekah and one of the guys in the group lifed his water glass and said, ‘could you water my camels?’ I don’t think the girl got it.
Being an alumna of a Christian liberal arts university, I enjoyed this one.
This is hilarious. I went to a liberal arts Christian university in Oregon and now attend a residential seminary near Lexington (Asbury). I thought college was crazy until I got here! I managed to make my way through undergrad without a date and have been just as successful so far in seminary. I’m just a little too honest for the guys here. Just want to let you all know that you’re future pastors are freaking weird! I go to school with them and they are…uh…awkward…and, indeed, badly dressed.
I was engaged one month before I got to Bible College, and you're right; it's crazy here! I am prideful and tell people that we knew each other before we got here. lol. >: ]
Haha-I know this is an old post, but awesome.
I don't go to a Bible college, but Christian University is a close equivalent. I'm a senior in my 5th year and THANKGOODNESS have never dated anyone I went to school with. Yes, the long distance relationships I've been in have been hard, but I have also had the satisfaction of laughing at all the hormone-driven droves who come to Christian college to end up married to each other. I can't tell you how many of my classmates married after one or two years of college and dropped out-just so they could have sex. Oh, and here's another good one: a female student at one of the two universities I've attended, decided to design thong underwear and sell them to the girls in her dorm. The front of one pair had the name of the (Christian) university and the back said something like "Raising the best mid-western wives since 19–" and another pair said the typical "I'm not here to pick a husband, I'm here to pick my bridesmaids-Ring by Spring!" These people need hobbies (and shouldn't be allowed to get married until AFTER graduation).
Oh, I'm DYING!!! That's hilarious!