#389. Church Mafia – The 4 Ruling Families
Aug 29th by JonWe’ve been known to take on some pretty controversial topics at Stuff Christians Like. Which Veggie Tales song is the greatest, whether or not you should massage someone during the middle of church, how Metrosexual your worship leader is, etc. But today, I want to go out on a limb, I want to expose the secret society that has long held sway over churches around the world. I want to talk about the Church Mafia.
The Church Mafia is a loosely constructed, by tightly wound, syndicate of four ruling families. Modeled after the Italian Mob of the early 1920s, they are the ones pushing and pulling for political power within the church. They control everything from the quality of cookie you get at Vacation Bible School to which people get elected to the Pastor Search Committee. Even mentioning they exist could get me black listed from the sarcastic writers religious speaking tour. But it’s a risk I am willing to take. I am sure I will remix this post later, possibly covering each family individually, but here they are at a high level:
1. The Elderati
Background:
Although they would never admit this, the Elderati is the strongest of the ruling families. Their influence is not often direct and visible, but is instead quietly woven into almost every decision the church makes. Once you make it into the Elderati, you can never really leave. For although your official “term” might end after a year or two, you will constantly be called into conversations and decisions long after you actually attend an Elder’s meeting. It’s rumored that they all have a small letter “E” tattooed on their ankle. But since members of the Elderati never wear shorts, it’s impossible to prove.
Also known as: “The only people the pastor fears.”
Nemesis: The Deaconistas
Signature sentence: “Have you cleared that with the Elders?”
2. The People from the Old Country
Background:
This group of people has always been with the church. You know this because they will regularly tell you, “I’ve been coming here for 42 years and I’ve never seen anything like that.” Even if your church is only 38 years old, it doesn’t matter. They probably came to the field where they predicted the church would be planted and sat in the grass in the spot where their favorite seat would one day be. Their faith may be well seasoned, but if you do something offensive to them, like accidentally park in their spot or try to add a praise song to your hymns, they will cut you.
Also known as: “The OGs” or “Original Gangsters”
Nemesis: The Changeleones
Signature sentence: “We’ve always done it this way.”
3. The Changeleones
Background:
The Changeleones are dedicated to changing things at church. The particular thing doesn’t matter, they simply want to do something different. They are constantly suggesting a change in direction, a shift in mission, a new vision statement, anything that will help the church “reach more young families” or “connect us with this generation.” They are often big on words and small on action, suggesting radical changes and then fading back into the shadows to let other people actually do the work.
Also known as: “The Fadorinis” for their uncanny ability to jump on the latest and greatest fads.
Nemesis: The People from the Old Country
Signature sentence: “We gotta shake things up around here.”
4. The Old Minister Mob
Background:
Occasionally, for a variety of reasons, a minister will leave a church. And when he or she does, the Old Minister Mob springs into action. They will regale you with tales about how amazing the old minister was, creating lavish examples of his awesomeness. “The music was just better with the old music minister. He did something with the piano and triangle that few people can. I’m not getting fed the same way with this new Family Life minister. We should bring the old minister back to speak sometime.” They will mount a verbal campaign of grouch and forget all the things they didn’t like about the old minister when he was here. They often suffer from a weird mix of “ex-girlfriend syndrome” and “small Goditis.” They look back on the old minister with rose colored glasses and doubt that God is big enough to use the new minister to whatever purpose He ultimately has in mind. Deep down, they are a good hearted family, but if they channeled the time and energy they spent grumbling, they would have a ridiculously cool impact on the church.
Also known as: “The Grumpilucas”
Nemesis: Any new minister.
Signature sentence: “I fully support the new minister but … .”
It should be noted that the families are not bound by age requirements. Sometimes you’ll find someone from the Old Country family that’s 15 and a Changeleone that’s 82. And it’s possible to have a great Elder. But all of that is starting to change. There is a new family on the scene that is starting to shake things up. A new group spilling into the church that is threatening everything the ruling families hold dear. I am of course talking about the Young Bloods.
The Young Bloods are a new generation of Christian. Whether they just came to faith recently or are having a quiet faith renewed in a loud way doesn’t matter, the results are the same. They are exploding from the inside out. They are walking into churches and coffee houses and colleges across the world and they are changing the face of faith as we know it. They don’t play by the Mafia rules, they live by grace. They don’t get caught up in the politics, they’re too caught up in the passion of God to notice they’re even there. Their faith is messy and fresh and not restricted by a desire to do things differently or do things the same way they’ve always been done. They’re not mounting a revolution, they’re giving in to a surrender. They’re rolling up their sleeves and sharing scars and stories and the overflow of a love that is too big to contain or hoard in one person. And if enough ever get together, if the Young Bloods keep coming, the Church Mafia will never be the same.
Comments
I’m somewhat with ryangeer on this one. I bounce around and have spent time in many Christian circles. There have always been “youngbloods” as you’ve described them. However, it’s only lately that they have had authors get published and become pseudo-famous.
Yet, if by “youngbloods,” you are not in fact referring to the ever more popular, grace focused, even if disingenuous Emerging Movement – but instead you are referring to “newly minted” Christians, untarnished by the dirty hands of those tasked with raising them up – then I’m with you.
The most dangerous influence on a new Christian is often the “older” Christians who surround them…including people like me.
DJ
AMDG
Great post.. it is unfortunate, however, that some of these power-houses within churches do real damage. I was in a church where the ‘mafia’ put so much pressure on the senior pastor that he was forced to resign. Then, as it was in the constitution, the youth pastor had to resign. The church had the option of refusing to accept the resgination, but the ‘mafia’ ganged up so the resignation was accepted. I was involved with trying to sort the history of the church at some point, and I found a note with a list of all the pastors names and the dates of their time there. Every two to three years there was a change over, with the reason why the previous pastor left – in 90% of these, the word was ‘purged’. Made me sick, and that was when I had a good look at what was going on within the internal structure of the church, and left myself. It was so unnecessary, and so many hurt lives as a result. The ‘mafia’ was a group of about 3 or 4 families, one of which had been there since great grand daddy was a boy.. so lots of history. Thankfully God is now doing great things in that Church, and the current pastor is bringing healing… That many of the oldies have started to die off has helped as well! It got to the point where the church was threatened by their denomination of being ‘shut down’ – so was a real problem.
I used to be a Young Blood at my church. but unfortunatly my church seems to suck all the passion out of me, and anyone of the other Young Bloods as well.
DJ -
Love the “newly minted” explanation. That’s what I am talking about. I honestly don’t really know enough about the emergent movement to speak on it at this point. In this post I was not reacting to traditions or emergent approaches, I was reacting to four ruling families that I think can cause harm. Thanks for explaining it in such a clear way.
Jon
Isn’t it interesting how every generation thinks they’re the Young Bloods at least once? And probably still think it when they become OCP (Old Country People)?
Good thing God is big enough to overshadow and overthrow everybody’s delusions of how they are going to be the saviors of the church, and bring all church families together no matter how different they think they are.
I think you just accidentally plugged Scott Westerfeld’s Uglies series … which is fine by me; they’re great books.
Also, Hucklebuck makes me laugh harder than most things.
I have been the accused of everything from attracting the “wrong” kind of people to church, being with the wrong people at the wrong time in the wrong places… I have always told those who said these things that that is an excellent description of Jesus! Thank you for being honest and encouraging at the same time to those who have been the victim of a mofia hit… or two! LOL
Thursday – well said.
bob- “immanetize the eschaton”?!
Dude! You’re going to hit 400 posts! Wow. You madcap overachiever with internet access. And I thought leaving comments was hard…
I have one question:
Where are the Deaconistas?
Unless the Elderatii Family is suffering from senility or dementia, I do hope there is a description somewhere.
Do you think theres a bit of a crossover between the young bloods and The Changeleones? Or maybe a Changeleone is like an evolved Young Blood? Sort of like Pokemon…
Maybe i’m taking it too seriously!
I want to be a Young Blood!
Is there a 10 step book I can read, or a “Young Blood” bracelet I could buy?
Just want to do it right…
David – Yes, “immanetize the eschaton”. It’s a marvelous phrase which encapsulates precisely an important and powerful idea in only three words. It’s a marvel of economy and precision, and, ever since I learned it from the writings of William F. Buckley, I’ve used it whenever there was an appropriate opportunity.
>Where are the Deaconistas?
Well, in my experience, they're usually associated with the Four Kitchen Ladies of the Apocalypse….
…..Great post, and entirely too true…..
Wow. If only this were just jokes. It’s all so true.
…I come from a church where those from the old country rule hard and strong. Being a young blood I’ve had to (or God had to give me rather) a thicker skin to cope with some of the scathing comments such as ” Why don’t you sing the songs from the hymnal?!” when I did…but they’ve been singing maybe 20 songs out of the 400 in the book….
That said. I couldn’t stop laughing at this post! It’s so true!
Good stuff! and so true! Roller coaster read though, started out laughing out loud and by the end was choked with emotion. Hope I have what it takes to stay a young blood and not get sucked into the Mafia.
Ah! Elderati! I’ve been WAITING for you to post something about them!!!
@chadwick
driving with your eyes open is not a tradition anymore than breathing with my lungs is a tradition.
This is what I miss when I take an SCL-reading hiatus for a few weeks…the post about my people. It was established a while ago that the Breyer/Cook/Britt/Sato/Harrell/Finney/Murray clan secretly ran the church. And with 4 people on staff, another 3 on the board of Elders and our secret network of alliances built up over 50 years of attending the same church…
Elderati? People from the Old Country? Feh. Those guys are weak sauce. We are both, we are more, we are all. You don’t even know what we’re called, and that’s how it’s going to say.
I just love it when my pastor comes to me, twenty years old, and asks my opinion on a ministry move. What? No, that never happens. Tell no one.
I'm priming my own old Minister Mob right now. Why should the next guy miss all the fun
Seriously though, what's actually worse than this (and my current reality) is when the old minister retires – and stays.
These 'Youngbloods' sound like unicorns to me…
Extremely accurate. As church staff, I can vouch for every word here. The other groups are
out to shut down the Young Bloods and complain of them often. I hope there is a corporate
takeover and the churches get back to the Acts Chapter 2 pattern.
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