#348. Pastor’s Wives – The 3 Types
Jul 16th by JonI get up very early each morning to write these posts. Part of the reason is that I want to get them done before work, but it’s also because I am afraid of the P.O.P. What’s that you ask? The Pastors of Power, a secret society of famous pastors that operate in the shadowy underground of most churches. (They have a secret handshake like that winner of the Bachelorette where you bump fists and blow up your hand while mouthing “POP.”) They’re mad at me for telling secrets like that you only ever see a minister in shorts during VBS week or for admitting that there is also a Pastor’s Kid Guild that regulates how PKs live. Who do you think commissioned our theme song, “Son of a Preacher Man?” You think that lady just wrote that for fun? That’s adorable.
And today, both groups are going to be furious. That’s because I’m going to tell you the three most common types of pastor’s wives. These three distinct types are no accident, but are actually carefully sculpted roles that all pastor’s wives learn in a secret lair under a volcano. I’ve said too much already but I can’t stop now, here they are:
1. Sunny Rainbow Happy Lady
My mom, a pastor’s wife, is one of the nicest people on the planet. She is able to find something sweet about anyone. If you are a jerk she will say, “he really knows how to be direct with his emotions.” If you are hideous looking she will say, “he has such a nice personality and is great with animals.” She sees the silver lining in every cloud. And, when my dad said “hey, let’s move a thousand miles from everyone we know, go to a frozen land where the sun goes down at 3:30 in the winter, and start a Baptist Church in a car wash,” she said, “I’m in.” I love her and love her approach to life. I think most Pastor’s Wives are this way. They are just genuinely kind hearted people that God has put on the planet to make all of us a little happier.
2. The grumpiest person on earth
This is the polar opposite of type 1. This person is kind of like an ice queen, able to stare you down with a judgmental stare from a thousand feet away. This is like the pastor’s wife on the Simpsons. She’s mean, gossipy and secretly the one controlling the whole church. She has an inner circle of friends that rule things like the mafia. Want to bring a jello dish with fruit suspended delightfully in the middle? Better check with her. Feel good about your job interview for the youth minister position after talking to the search committee? Ha, better talk to the real search committee, the pastor’s wife. She will break you. I never, ever cross this lady. She’s liable to stab you in the bathroom with a shiv she carved from a church pencil if your family accidentally sits where her family usually does. Seriously, be careful. In her defense, I think she got this way by having hundreds of people criticize and nit pick and berate her husband for years. All too often, I think unhealthy churches turn type number 1 pastor wives into type number 2.
3. The Keyser Soze
In the movie, “The Usual Suspects,” Keyser Soze is the unseen mastermind that no one can figure out. He is a myth, a legend, a ghost that can never be pinned down. Some pastor’s wives are like that too. You just can’t figure them out. It’s not that they are robotic or fake, just that you can’t quite understand who they are. It’s almost like they’re in the witness protection program. They say all the right things. They are polite and friendly but you can’t help thinking to yourself during a slow sermon, “that pastor’s wife probably stabbed a mobster in Reno and is on the run.” You’re like the kids from Scooby Doo, gathering clues, trying to put the whole puzzle together, thinking maybe that the haunted lighthouse was really just old man Jenkins with a sheet. Give it up. Some pastor’s wives are great at establishing really firm boundaries. They know how easy it is to get emotionally drained at a church when hundreds of people want personal relationships.
Now I must admit, it’s fairly common to have a pastor’s wife that is a combination of these types. For instance, the other day my mom told me that someone that hit her car while she was backing out probably didn’t realize it because they were on the phone. That is an incredibly nice way to interpret a hit and run. But then one time, much like my wife, she chased a man down that hit her car, running red lights and jumping a hill like in Starsky and Hutch until she forced him to stop. OK, the hill part didn’t happen but the rest is true. The point is that she can channel her grump when necessary.
And I bet your pastor’s wife can too.
p.s. Next week I will do the pastor’s husbands version.
Other stuff I wrote today:
1. the question – 97secondswithgod.com
Comments
Bludab, you sound remarkably like my friend…if you are who I think you are, you are refreshingly none of the three.
OH, wait. I meant to say you’re #1! All the time!! Please don’t relegate me to the church basement.
I’ll admit was a little surprised to see a Boondock Saints reference show up on your blog before one from the Usual Suspects, but you have come through once again.
anon @ 8:12 / 11:36 – okay, so i love your response and still think you’re just the kind of person i’d love to be friends with. i’m sorry that you’re surrounded by a sea of people who seem plastic perfect. i used to go to a church that one friend referred to as “the church with all the beautiful people.” i thought, “hey, i’m not beautiful like them, but i still go there, so there blows that stereotype out of the water.”
anyway, i’m just saying that i can relate to the pressure that comes up from looking around and seeing all the beautiful people and wondering if it’s really okay to just be me. i found several communities within that church that told me yes, it was okay to just be me. in fact, it was welcomed, invited, and a relief for us all to be able to be that way with one another. sometimes it just takes one person being real for everyone else to start feeling they can relax and be themselves. and that’s where jesus shows up and says, “rock on.”
I’m going to third or fourth the nomination for a pastor’s husband post (or pastor’s spouse, generalized). I’m not married yet, but when I am, I would like to categorize my husband. =)
Also, growing up, my pastor’s husband was a little bit of #1 and a little bit of #3. He liked to play the triangle in the choir and he sometimes picked cookies out of the trash so they wouldn’t get wasted (he ate them himself.)
Senior Pastor’s wife = 1/3
Youth Pastor’s wife = 2
My ex was a youth group to college relationship, he went to #2 after we broke up. She pinned me in the church office when I was home for Thanksgiving and told me the worst story I had ever heard. “Pastor Bob (name change) and I dated. I knew he was the one. He didn’t. But he felt God telling him that God’s will was that he married me, and even though he didn’t want to date me anymore he obeyed and married me. Are you going to do God’s will in your own life? Johnny (name change) loves you, will you obey God?”
I didnt even hesitate to think about Pastor Bob’s obvious miserable marriage or what a horrific story it was. I just said “no. uh, excuse me” and made my way toward a public place.
Last I’d heard, she was jealous of his ministry and they’re both cater waiters. Wish it wasn’t but it is a true story.
Sometimes the #2′s need some friendship and sometimes they need a friend to guide them toward some counseling.
As the other half of a 'pastoral couple' like John & Denise, I too am looking forward to the pastor's husband post.
I don't fit any of the molds either…maybe it's my nose ring… I dunno…
Awesome!
My mother was probably #1, but also the Pastor’s Wife That Should Have Been A Pastor But Women Didn’t Do That Back Then. Although, now she is a pastor.
Anyway, I remember being told by my Pastor’s Wife mother that I had to learn to play the piano (instead of taking ballet, which I would have preferred) because when I got older and married a pastor, it would be important for me to know how to play the piano.
Seriously. (I really do love my mom despite that).
Juliet, i hope you did get to take dance…..because as far as I can tell, most pastor’s wives are dancing as fast as they can to keep up with everyone’s expectations of them!!
You forgot the trophy wife! The really pretty one who sits on the front row with her big highlighted Bible!
You also forgot the cupid wife who believes it is her job to match make the single people and get them married off.
Then there is the worker bee wife who is actually involved in the ministry and will do anything as needed, you will see her in the nursery, in the kids church, in the kitchen, leading worship, preaching…wherever she hears the cry “man down, man down!”
LOL…love it, if I dig deep enough I could probably think of more
ha! I know a number 2… Honestly
I was raised a Plymouth Bretheren and didn’t attend a church with a pastor until after college. However, since we had a ton of missionaries in my church growing up I saw these 3 types.
To Anon. 8:12: You’re either ministering in either LA or NYC. If you’re in NYC I work here and I ignore/laugh at the plastic people, simple as that. I have a mortgage to pay so I can’t be jealous of those types. As long as you shower daily and brush your hair, take good care of your skin and promise to never ever wear laura ashley dresses,you must be comfortable in your own skin
.
good to see I'm not the only bretho reading Jon's blogs
Being a pastor’s wife means becoming the subject of constant analysis, stereotyping, observations, judgements, gossip, resentments, and sharing your husband and family 24/7. It means constant scrutiny of your children, your home, your car, your clothes, your appearance. Sometimes it means never having a best friend or confidant. No wonder some pastor’s wives get grumpy or retreat into themselves.
People would say I’m a type #1 — and yet all those people evaluating don’t really have a clue about who I am. Why put up with it? Because I love my husband, I love the Lord and I love people. BUT!!! The stories I could tell…
Hmmm… it would be interesting to do a column on the outrageous things Christian people say and do to pastor’s wives.
I have been a pastor's wife for over 35 yrs. I pretty much agree with the comments you made! For so many years I have said, "If they just knew all we want to do is help", they would be more kind to us. But after all these years I realize it's not just in the church, people are who they are wherever they are….the difference in the church is, they are volunteers and we have to respond nicely whether we want to or not because they will just leave and try another church……many times we have been glad about that! But yes, the stories we could tell! Bless you…..
anon @ 8:12
God is crazy about you. Just the way you are. It was no mistake. He knew all about you before the creation of the world and still chose to create you. Can you imagine the smile on His face when He created you and said, “It is good.”
Maybe God doesn’t really want you to think of yourself as “the pastor’s wife”, maybe He wants you to consider yourself simply a “child of the King”. You were created for a purpose that your husband could never fulfill. That purpose is yours and yours alone.
Does your hsband touch the lives of those who post here?
Does your husband write notes on SCL that make grown men like me cry?
You are awesome just the way you are!
Tom
before i even started reading the comments very far i thought to my self about how funny Stacey from Louisville is freaking hillarious…jon and stacey would be a funny comedy act i think.
my pastors wife is probably a number 2/3 combo. ive known her for 10+ years and she still scares just a little bit.
This entry would be more appropriately titled “Stereotyping Pastors’ Wives,” because most Christians don’t seem to like pastors’ wives.
Many who don’t sem to know what they ought to be doing, claim absolute certainty about what the preacher’s wife should do. The pastor’s wife deserves no forgiveness for mistakes, and gossip about her is not sin.
Two things: first, I think there’s sort of a fourth- the rolled-up sleeves woman who can answer anything (as opposed to your #2 who has all the answers- big difference) and is in there doing things all the time.
Second, boy, did I grow up under a #2 type!!! And I somehow was one of her least favorite people, so it was decidedly unpleasant. She went so far as to try to override parents’ authority, such as whether or not a youth group member was allowed to walk home after dark! (Keep in mind that it’s a tiny very safe town…I left that church as soon as I was able to drive to another.)
-KG
anon 8:12 and anon 11:36
God has your picture on His fridge
Anon @ 8:12 – you are awesome. Deep in their hearts, more people are like you than you imagine. It’s people like you who make God so real to me. Thanks for showing up for us, if only as a “post.” And you ,do have a Dad – Abba, Father. He thinks you rock…and roll.
There are few phrases that make my blood boil more than “pastor’s wife.” My husband was a pastor. I love being married to him. I HATE when people call me “pastor’s wife.” Thank you very much, but I am my own person, not merely the spouse of my husband. I have my own job, my own insurance, my own levels of responsibility, my own personality, etc., and yet people simply tag me as my husband’s wife. So irritating.
Whoa, you hit the nail on the head when it comes to my pastor’s wife at home – she’s 100% type 3.
Her boundaries are so tight, I get the impression that the only person she wants to have a relationship with is her husband. Which I guess is nice and safe for her, but it sucks for the rest of us who love her and wish we really knew her.
This made my heart happy…I and my other pastor’s wife friend were giggling (in our little PW clique) about which category we fell into. Thanks for the laugh!
Oh, Stacy from Louisville… you are the funniest commenter on SCL.
I can smell the wife-shoppers a mile away.
I think we need more than 3 choices.
I think this post is funny…yet true in many aspects of the whole ‘mold’ thing. Although I do agree that I have met some pastor’s wives that fit into those categories,I also have to agree with the statement you made about the congregations constant scrutiny causing a lot if it. Being a pastor’s wife myself, I try to change the way I minister depending on the congregation and it’s needs. Good post though, it made me laugh….Just between us…I have met way more #2′s than I like to admit ;o}
You forgot the reluctant pastor’s wife. The one who really tries for a while, but gets little reciprocated then eventually gives up and does the minimum to get by in the role she didn’t really ask for to begin with…
To anyone who is slipping into the type 3 category……….. please look around for that person who is really making an effort to know you and accept you as a REAL person. I’ve been hurt more by having friendship rejected from pastors wives who are too afraid to be real than I ever have in the ‘non-church’ world. How does a pastors wife expect people to be open and sharing with her, if she won’t crack the door of her real self open even a tiny bit? This is after years of trustworthy support, not a shallow thing. Try some trust #3′s………. seriously.
What about the Pastor’s wife who is the organizational backbone? My wife and I definately work as a team, and many times, it is her ideas and thoughts that help bring a sermon or ministry idea together. She may not be the happy ray of sunshine all the time, but caring and passionate for the church.
I just discovered this blog and love it. I don’t know which category I fall into. I wish I could meet many of the PW’s described here. I am in a unique position because I am not only a PW, but I am also an attorney. I work, have 2 small kids, love to exercise, love to read, love to travel, etc. I don’t fit the typical mold – I am more comfortable drafting bylaws for the church or hanging out with the college kids than I am doing the traditional jobs of a PW (I can’t sing, can’t play an instrument, and I am only average in my ability with small kids).
The strangest thing about being a PW is that you are part of your husband’s “career” whether you want to be or not. When I choose a physician, I don’t care who his or her spouse is or what the spouse’s talents and views are. However, when a person chooses a church, I can guarantee that at some point the pastor’s wife is a consideration.
Its sad that these three types are mostly motivated by peoples expectations of the role of a pastors wife.
Its time we all start being ourselves no matter who we are.
I am a Youth Pastors wife and I just feel like voicing my pain. For some reason I am very uncomfortable at my church. I don’t think that our personality fits with our church. My husband talks about applying other places, but doesn’t. I feel hurt by the church because they pay us so little, but there are so many wealthy people in the church and we make far less than average. They are also very judgemental and have never heard of the word grace. The truth is that I was not groomed for this. I did not grow up in the church. I drank and smoked in highschool. I became a christian and God helped me turn my life around. Without God I would probably be an alcoholic on the street. They don’t realize this. I don’t know all the ins and outs of being the most amazing lady on earth. I don’t always do or say the right things. Actually, I’m a mess. I am just one Cross away from being on the streets. All I have is Jesus. I care more about the lost then the people occupying the pews for the last 30 years who condemn me because my children run through the church and I have a hard time being on time. I just really don’t have it all together. Sometimes my husband and I fight(loudly). We are just real people and the truth is that we are sinners. I don’t know how much longer I can keep up the charade. I’m a hurting person who because I am married to the Youth Pastor am not allowed to go to church. My husband works 70 hours a week, gets paid nothing, I have two small children, and come from a family that is not christian, and somehow I’m supposed to have it all together and only serve at church. Well, frankly, I don’t. I’m kind of a mess. I’m really hurting and it’s not really funny anymore, it’s really a crises, but no one really cares. Let’s go shopping!
church pencil -> shiv …
awesome
To Anon at 2:08- I think your empathy for the lost is for a reason. I think God will use you to comfort those who are searching for God but are put off by the exclusive, exacting cultural atmosphere in churches. You feel like you’re at an end of sorts, and I think you’ll find release in a beautiful way from God while you’re there. A lot of people feel uncomfortable or misplaced in their own church, and it sucks, especially when you or your family are so involved. Hold on to the one who called your name and He will carry you. My heart goes out to you.
I am a #3…sometimes#1…People dont ‘always understand. They think that you’re aloof if you’re not friends with everyone or at every church event. I would really like privacy most of the time. It’s not that I don’t like people, I do but I am easily drained and then I’m no good for my family!
Really…is there anyone out there whose pastor husband, when seeing his wife struggle/miserable in the ministry, has left the ministry because he wanted to protect his wife? My husband knows how difficult it is for me, and yet has never offered a solution. We have been at this for a looong time. I have alot of resentment… And of course I know what that does.
Wonderful blog! I'm a pastors wife and I'm now wondering where in the world I fit. I think you are right…definitely a combo of the three.
I fall into the reluctant pastor's wives group…tried hard at first not really wanting to, got hurt and am now trying to fade into the background.
Love this site but there are probably a few more types of pastor's wives
IF you are a youth pastor's wife… this website below is a great blog to go to for encouragement a sharing!
http://www.ypastorswives.blogspot.com
CHECK IT OUT AND FOLLOW IT!
My mother is the Keyser Soze through and through.
i made a horrible pastor's wife. i said things like, "either deal with it, let it go or stop bringing it up every week at accountability group because i don't want to hear it anymore." it wasn't popular. good thing my husband is no longer a pastor.