SCL

One of the things we Christians like is famous pastors. I’m talking about the pastors with big ministries, big books and every now and then, big teeth. But I think it’s getting harder to keep them straight. There are so many. That’s why, in the vein of the GI Joe Bible guide, I decided to do a superhero guide to famous pastors. I’m sure someone has called Rick Warren “Superman” before but I sincerely doubt anyone has compared Beth Moore to Wonder Woman. Let’s begin:

Joel Osteen = Iron Man
According to the show “60 Minutes,” Joel Osteen can bench press 300 pounds, which is slightly more than I can. But that’s not why I think he’s like Iron Man. If you haven’t seen the movie, Iron Man is an incredibly rich, confident man named Tony Stark that develops a suit that helps him fight crime. Unlike almost every other superhero, he holds a press conference and actually tells the world he is Iron Man. I kind of feel that way about Osteen. Not that I have anything against him, but I don’t think he hates being on the cover of books and magazines and television shows. He seems like someone who, like Tony Stark, is not afraid of the spotlight. And he also has a giant iron world that spins behind him on stage, which seemed to be a perfect tie in to the Iron Man reference. Plus he got a $13 million advance for his last book so he’s rich like Iron Man.

Beth Moore = Wonder Woman
My mother in law would leg drop me if I ever said anything negative about Beth Moore. But regardless of that imminent danger, I don’t have anything bad to say. I just think she’s kind of like Wonder Woman. My wife is doing a Beth Moore Bible study right now with some other girls. Every now and then, when Moore ignites a passionate idea or a thought, her voice raises up from our living room like Wonder Woman. In my head I imagine Moore banging her wrists together like Wonder Woman. Scattering lies and Biblical confusion aside like so many bad guys and then climbing into her invisible plane and flying back to Texas. What? I’m the only one that thinks that? Fine.

TD Jakes = The Incredible Hulk
Why the Hulk? OK, which African American superhero would you have picked? It’s not my fault that there aren’t any good African American superheroes. Blame Marvel Comics and Stan Lee. I happen to think this one works though. Have you ever seen TD Jakes? I am pretty sure he could snap me like a twig. He’s a big, imposing dude. And the Incredible Hulk is no weakling. Plus, look at the titles of TD’s books, they sound like the name of Hulk movies, “He-motions,” “Overcoming the Enemy” or “It will come out in the fire.” (Spawn was African American but kind of creepy.)

Craig Groeschel = Spider Man
Groeschel is the lead pastor at Lifechurch.tv, what many people call the most influential church in America. I chose Spiderman because the one time I saw Groeschel speak, he was incredibly animated. He told a story about getting an electric shock while doing some plumbing. (Spiderman got his powers from being bitten by a radioactive spider. Groeschel got shocked. Both stories involve energy, coincidence?) He put his whole body into the story, virtually swinging about the stage as he told it. It was great, and reminded me of Spiderman.

Andy Stanley = Batman
Batman does not have any super powers. His strength lies in being incredibly prepared and incredibly smart. Andy Stanley is similar. If you look at him, he doesn’t physically look like the super pastor he is. He’s not that tall, he doesn’t have over tanned glowing skin or big teeth that blind you with their whiteness. He doesn’t look like Tony Robbins or someone famous. But like Batman, he seems to accomplish superhuman things. And Batman also had an established father in the city of Gotham, a widely respected man named “Dr. Wayne.” Andy has an established father in the city of Atlanta, a widely respected man named “Dr. Charles Stanley.” Batman had Alfred, a faithful employee that made the bat cave run. Andy has his secretary who is amazing and makes that office run. I could go on and on but I don’t want to play favorites.

Rob Bell = The Green Arrow
You are not like me. You probably dated instead of reading comic books in high school. So let me enlighten you about this one. The Green Arrow was a fancy superhero. He had a little green hat with a feather and the world’s most well manicured goatee. Does Rob Bell have a goatee? No, but you can’t tell me he’s not a little fancy. In some of the Nooma videos he has frosted tips/bleached blonde hair. As someone that once had highlights that brought out the dark charcoal nature of his eyes, I declare that to be fancy. And he’s single handedly started a trend with those glasses. Plus, the Green Arrow was a communist. He was known for having progressive ideas and stretching the way we think. Rob’s certainly not a communist but regardless of what you think, there’s no denying that he has some progressive ideas floating around in that head.

Billy Graham = Thor
Thor is a Viking superhero that seems to have been around for centuries. He’s incredibly powerful, feels at home in the mountains and is respected by all. Thor floats above the silly squabbles and was doing all of this when most other superheroes were still in diapers. Same with Billy Graham. He’s one of the founding fathers of famous pastors. He’s been at this for decades, calls the mountains of North Carolina his home and is respected by all. If I had accepted Lord of the Rings’ characters into this post he would have been Gandalf, but for now I feel good about Thor.

Rick Warren = Superman
Batman calls Superman “the boy scout” because he’s so good natured and humble. I feel the same way about Warren. I love that he didn’t insist on having his picture on the cover of his wildly successful book “The Purpose Driven Life.” I love that he gives 90% of his salary back to his church. And I love that even in the face of some serious family health issues he stands strong. Does Warren have the full head of hair that Superman has? Maybe not, but some days, I think he is indeed the man of steel.

Ed Young = Captain America
Captain America is like apple pie, Betsy Ross, eagles and everything else that represents America all rolled into one. I feel the same way about Ed Young. Hailing from Texas, which I personally do not mess with, he seems like the quintessential famous American pastor. He’s got this big, magnetic personality that seems to fill a room. He’s got a massive church and a ministry that is growing like wildfire. And he carries a round shield like Captain America that he throws at people he catches sleeping in his sermons. (OK, I made up that last part.)

Mark Driscoll = Hancock
Wow, how timely is this one. Hancock is the superhero movie Will Smith has coming out right now. In the film, he plays a reluctant hero that is rough around the edges and grittier than most other superheroes. That’s Mark Driscoll to me. He seems to be a little more raw, a little more direct than some of the other pastors I know. And he makes mistakes, which he admits and airs pretty openly. Which I dig. Plus, like Rob Bell, he tends to elicit strong emotion in people. You don’t feel OK about Mark, you love or hate him. And I think that’s a good thing. I don’t want middle of the road superheroes.

Am I wrong? Did I miss someone? Should Erwin McManus have been Wolverine? Hard to tell, but I hope this helps you distinguish between famous pastors and that some day Andy Stanley will wear a Batman utility belt when he preaches. Is that too much to ask for?

Update: Of all the posts, this is the last one I expected to need to explain. I chose TD Jakes as the Incredible Hulk because TD Jakes is big. The Incredible Hulk is also big. TD Jakes wrote a book called “He-motions.” That sounds like something the Hulk would yell after throwing a Cadillac through a building, “He-motions!!!” Also, the Black Panther, Steel and War Machine are not well known enough. I have read comics for 20 years and never heard of War Machine. In the last ten years, has there been a single movie that made $100 million and gained worldwide fame in which a comic book super hero that was African American was the star? Technically, the movie “Blade” did come out in 1998, but have you ever looked at TD Jakes and thought, “Wow, he totally reminds me of Wesley Snipes?” And that I am aware of, Jakes has not supported the elimination of vampires as part of his ministry. I chose Hulk because it’s recent and fresh and people would know instantly what I meant. If they had recently released a movie called “Steel,” I would have compared Jakes to him. And it’s interesting that no one has raised a question about me comparing Mark Driscoll to an African American hero. I mean if the issue is that I didn’t get the race right, let’s argue about that too. I am not saying that means anything, but it is interesting. And Billy Graham technically does not have long braided blond ponytails or carry a war hammer like Thor. Underscoring all of this is that this is a silly post in which I say Beth Moore flies in her invisible plane back to Texas.

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