Remix – #14. Dating God instead of me.
Jun 25th by JonI’ve written about the world of Christian dating a few times. And although I liked the post about “breaking up with someone after a retreat,” and the “G-DTR” post, I don’t think my post “Dating God instead of me” was very good. It was pretty mediocre actually. And Christian dating is too weird and wonderful for mediocre. So here’s the remix:
Dating God instead of me.
I’m not sure if this is in a book somewhere, but it’s widely known that the easiest way to get out of a Christian dating relationship is to throw the God Card. I think there are probably times when this is a legitimate reason to break up, when God says, “Don’t date Mark.” But sometimes we throw God under the bus when we do this. Instead of saying “I would like to date people not named you” we put the blame on God and say things like “I need to spend more time with God right now and not date.”
Big deal, right? There are probably a million blogs from a million scorned people about the concept of dating God instead of me. But I don’t think a lot of people have analyzed how to counteract this move. How to prepare a defense against getting dumped after a retreat. How to buy yourself some time to work on the relationship when someone misinterprets a Samford University Convocation minister’s call to the altar as a chance to lay down your relationship for God. Hypothetically speaking.
So I decided to break down a God-flavored breakup. I used a girl dumping a guy as an example, but it can go both ways. Here is what commonly happens when someone says they want to date God instead of you and how you can respond:
1. “We need to talk”
What this means:
Nothing good is going to come of this. When someone says this, they are never preparing to tell you compliments or praise your Frisbee skills. They are preparing to dump you.
How to respond:
Tell her, “I agree. There’s a lot on my heart that I want to discuss with you.” If you say this, you’ll completely confuse her. I promise. Part of the reason she is dumping you is probably because you’re not good at sharing your heart. She’s expecting you to nervously say, “What do we need to talk about?” By admitting there are issues and essentially saying, “I have my own secret things I want to talk about,” you completely level the playing field.
2. “Let’s meet at Starbucks.”
What this means:
She wants to dump you in public so that there will be roughly 97% less man tears involved. You might cry, you might get upset, but no one wants to do that in front of a Starbucks barrista.
How to respond:
Keep this simple. Just say, “I would love to meet at our Starbucks.” She wants to meet on neutral territory. Don’t let that happen. Personalize it.
3. “I think we’ve grown apart.”
What this means:
She has grown. You have devolved into some sort of potato chip-eating, XBOX-playing, non stop texting orangutan.
How to respond:
Tell her, “Thank you for noticing that I have grown. I disagree that it means we’re further away from each other but I have worked hard to grow. I appreciate your words.” She feels like you have changed in a negative way but is disguising it under the term “grown apart.” Call her bluff and thank her for the compliment she didn’t give you.
4. “God told me to end this relationship.”
What this means:
If God really told her that, there’s not much you can do unless you think you can battle the Savior of the planet for a dating relationship. But if she’s just using the Christian Dating Escape Clause, you can respond.
How to respond:
Say, “Isn’t that the beautiful mystery of God? He told me the opposite thing. But then I remember that in the Bible we are told to be like children in our faith but also to put aside childish things. Who can fathom the seemingly opposite wonders of His word?” Go biblical. She just threw the God card and the last thing she is expecting is for you to agree. Plus, using the Bible is going to make you look extra holy.
5. “We want different things.”
What this means:
She wants to date other people. You want to date her. Those are different things.
How to respond:
You’re going to have to go a little Garth Brooks in this situation. Say something like, “Do we want different things? I want love. I want to laugh. I want to serve someone and hold someone and know that the greatest parts of me were meant to bring out the greatest parts of her.” But if you can’t say that without giggling, just ask her to define what she wants. Don’t let some vague blanket statement suffocate your relationship.
6. “I don’t feel the things I used to feel.”
What this means:
Her emotional high has worn off. The initial spark has faded a little. In a good relationship this is where you get to see what it is really made of. In a bad relationship, it’s time to update your eharmony profile.
How to respond:
Say what a counselor would say, “Feelings lie. There are moments when I rise in the morning and don’t ‘feel’ like worshipping God. But in my heart, I make that decision. I feel different too. But love is not a feeling. It is a commitment.”
7. “I think I need to give this relationship up to God.”
What this means:
As mentioned before, sometimes when a retreat speaker tells the crowd to lay down something at the foot of the cross, your relationship is the first thing she will think of. So she decides to sacrifice it.
How to respond:
Say, “I want to give it up too. I want to turn in the pain and the struggles and the hurt of our old relationship. I want to mourn the time we’ve lost and celebrate the time we’ll gain by allowing God to grow a new relationship. We will rise from the ashes like a phoenix or a worship eagle.” OK, you probably shouldn’t say that last sentence, but you get the point. Agreeing with someone is sometimes the best way to end an argument.
Someone wise once told me, “Relationships aren’t complicated. Every one ends in one of two ways. You get married or you break up.” That’s true and some dating relationships need to end. But for the ones that have just hit a snag, for the ones that might be great if you can just get through a bumpy patch, print out this list and try to memorize it. Then invite me to your wedding a few years later. I’ll read “love is patient.”
p.s. Check out “The death of monologue“
Update: The winner of the first annual Bulletin Bored contest will be announced tonight. If you vote today I will count it because I don’t hate on the playa, I hate on the game.
Comments
Beautiful, just plain beautiful! If only I had my hands on this 6 months ago, or ten years ago, or, shoot, the say I was born!
my 14 year old daughter will be reading this so she can be tutored in how guys can manufacture a good line using the “God” card…..
God bless your wife……
This was awesome. The responses you suggested for our readership, will, no doubt, help many a young man or woman who encounters these phrases in the Christian dating sphere. Bravo!
We have got to get a worship eagle at my church!
Yeah, I head this one a 6 months or so ago (from a Samford grad).
You should do a post on (in case I haven’t read it yet) using God being sovereign to justify anything.
“I just treated you horribly and in a completely un-Godly way, but God is Sovereign”
Translation: It was God who kicked the crap out of you not me.
I heard that one growing up several times and never even understood what the heck they were talking about.
Jon, this is perhaps one of the most brilliant pieces on dating I’ve ever read.
You know what I’ve noticed Christians like to do? Complicate things, particularly dating. When we start talking about it, I think of the three blind men who discover an elephant. Posts like this help bring us down to earth.
I like the idea of rising from the ashes as a Worship Eagle. That is pure awesome.
great remix
Great post. Always funny.
Brilliant!
Like most of your posts, this one is so funny ’cause it’s true! I have decided that dating can be difficult, confusing, exhausting . . . but it can also be HILARIOUS!!!
If I only had this kind of wisdom when I was 19!
You’re a genious. I’m a youth pastor and I’ll be using your list (giving you the credit of course) at some point. Brilliant.
Good thing my ex girlfriends didnt have these rebuttals when i broke up with her a year and a half ago…thanks for holding out. haha
Wow your wife must be a saint. With those rebuttals I can only imagine what you say when she asks you to take out the trash!
Awesome, simply awesome. I love how you turn the tables.
I tend to think that if one person is already saying comments like “we’ve grown apart”, the relationship is already going down the path that doesn’t come to marriage. (But maybe I’m pessimistic)
But at least you can walk away with your head held high, like you played a part in the whole break off.
Great post. Now I think you need to do a post on how to avoid being “set up” with other singles. What do you say when someone (that you really respect) from your church, tries to play matchmaker? Why do Christians hate to see anyone single? Can’t they understand when someone isn’t ready to date? Anyway, it would be a funny post if you have any suggestions for people in this situation…
Loved it. Any blog that uses the word frisbee is always good in my book. One that calls out the “God” card is hilarious.
I thought there was no comeback after the God card was played. Thank you for the education.
yes, i wish i had this a couple months ago. just recently happened to me. so so true. thank you for the blog. it’s reassuring to know im not the only one to think its ridiculous.
Wow. This is just too awesome!
I’m 16, so I see silly stuff like this happen all the time. (Gotta love us overly-dramatic teenagers, right?)
So believe it or not, your wonderfully sarcastic post has helped me see the ridiculous excuses some of us Christian teens use. And now I know how to counteract them as well.
I find it hard to comfort a girl you are breaking up with. And as a Christian girls always respond well to, “You know… Jesus still loves you.”
horrible post, hated every word
well not really but I wanted to bring down the happy of all the other posts, too much “amazing post” comments just don’t seem fair.
Sheer genius. Phoenix from the ashes…worship eagle…
I’m not worthy.
my favorite line: “we want different things . . . she wants to date other people. you want to date her. those are different things.” makes me laugh every time i read it.
i really know i’m addicted to your writing when three posts a day PLUS your devotional on 97 seconds with God PLUS a regular check on the comments section is JUST. NOT. ENOUGH. it’s like i want this blog to be a slot machine that is cranked for new content every time i reload the page. dang! this means i have to prep myself for the truth that your forthcoming book is not going to be satiate my cravings for more jon acuff. double dang!
Jon,
You continually amaze me….you really do!
I once fasted from a guy for 40 days. God told me to.
Seriously, it really was a “God told me to” situation, but it came out of a conference where we were challenged to give something up for a time, so it’s kind of a combination of numbers 4 and 7. In my defense, the guy and I weren’t actually dating yet, and I really, really liked him, so it wasn’t like I was using the “God told me to fast from you” as an excuse because I didn’t want to be with him.
In the end, we didn’t get together after all, even though I really thought we would start dating at some point after the 40 days were over. It must have been a blow to his self-esteem, though, because I dropped that on him about a week before he was going to ask me out.
this was glorious.
“Do we want different things? I want love. I want to laugh. I want to serve someone and hold someone and know that the greatest parts of me were meant to bring out the greatest parts of her.”
ah. i want to say this to someone one day.
hahah if they want out.. just let them out! but you are funnny
I recently had a girl “pull the God card” on me to break up. I wish I had read this first as I would of had some great comebacks, oh well…if there’s a next time I’ll be ready.
I loved this post — too true.
On a serious note, we have to know that Christians use lines like this because we feel silly and shallow saying the truth –
I’m breaking up with you because I really think I’d rather spend time reading more novels than another evening with you.
Or, I’m breaking up with you because the new guy at youth group is paying some attention to me, and I think if I was unattached, something would work out.
Or, I’m breaking up with you because your habit of *** annoys the heck out of me.
Actually, I’ve noticed that the reasons people give for changing churches also follows these rules — “God is leading me elsewhere” is far more spiritual-sounding than “I can’t take one more sermon that really is a personal therapy session for our wimp pastor.” Or, “we’re changing churches because we can’t get anyone to teach Sunday school the way we like.” Etc. Etc.
But we’re human — so sometimes how we feel IS silly and shallow. Dare you all to own up
There was a guy I was IN LOVE with in college, and when he tried to dump me, I was stunned. I recovered quickly by saying, “Oh, did you think we were dating?” He walked away in a daze!
I love “meeting at our Starbucks!” Way to go, Jon.
My mom actually had someone tell her about this post today. They told her that it was too bad I didn’t have this list seven months ago, when Jesus decided to break my heart. And that person doesn’t even really know me that well. I actually did try something similar to #4, but I don’t think you could understand it through all the sobbing and the dry heaving.
But, to be totally not funny here for a minute, never tell someone that God told you to break up with them. Even if it’s true. That can really mess a person up.
Forget that dumb looking new mike meyers movie – YOU, jon acuff, are the REAL love guru!!
Today was a really good SCL day.
Applause, applause.
OH my goodness Jon.
You are so much funny!!!!!
David Nasser was the speaker at Spiritual Emphasis Week at Liberty University this past school year, and the message he gave the second night was about growing up, setting aside unholy and childish things, putting down idols, and really putting 100% into running the race Paul talks about in Hebrews. When he spoke the next morning in Convocation, he said that about 75 different guys and girls emailed him and/or came up to him later that night or the following morning to tell him that they had broken up with their significant other because of his message because they realized that they needed to be spending more time with God and less time with him/her. I realize some of them were probably doing it for genuine reasons, but I have to wonder how many of them just would have liked “to date people not named you.” I also have to wonder how bad it sucked for the dumpees to realize they fell into the “unholy and childish” category. Ouch.
Potential SCL posts:
+ Muslims-turned-Christians (David Nasser, Ergun Caner, etc.)
+ Spiritual Emphasis Week at Christian schools/colleges (It’s a Christian school; shouldn’t spiritual things be emphasized every week?)
I’m sorry, I just don’t feel God wants me to post a comment.
So I’m pretty sure that my ex-girlfriend used most if not all of those reasons 6 months ago when she dumped me! haha nice . . . oh well, at least it didn’t rock my faith for awhile or anything like that . . .
Mugabe Plays the God Card The Globe and Mail, Canada daily.
Interestingly enough, I had a minister speak to the congregation I attend just on Sunday, and one of his stories was about a religious revival in Zimbabwe that impacted Mugabe, then this week all I hear about is threats, fears, etc.
The God card can show up anywhere.
I have to laugh so much at your posts! Some of them are absolutely so true and that’s why they’re funny! I tell everyone I see about your website…okay, maybe not everybody, but you get the point.
Great advice, I’ll have to log these away for future refernece.
I have to agree with Jenn3 when she says you should do a post on Christians setting up their single Christian friends. My friend told me that once a pastor tried to set her up with another single at her church, and when she said she didn’t really know much about him, the pastor replied “He loves Jesus, you love Jesus. What more do you need to know?” lol.
Still lovin’ SCL! I purposefully get behind so I can satiate my craving for SCL chuckles…drives my husband nuts as he can’t talk to me about what he’s read…or I don’t get his SCL verbage!!
Another idea: how about judging other’s spiritual maturity by the weatheredness of their bible?
I think this is awesome. I’ve always felt like the God card sounded more like an excuse than the actually truth.
I had a guy take me to Starbucks before we even went on our first date to break up with me. That’s right. He told me that as he prayed about dating me, God gave him a ‘red light’. Hmmm…Love your comments.
I actually thought that it was fine the way it was. I've never had it done to me the way it was described here, because I've never dated anyone. But I have had it come in before as a reason for people not dating me.
LOL!!! Kevin DeYoung is GREAT at this when he writes "about a young man whose affection for a woman was not reciprocated because “the Holy Spirit told me no,” DeYoung writes, “Poor guy—he got rejected, not only by this sweet girl, but by the Holy Spirit. The third person of the Trinity took a break from pointing people to Jesus to tell this girl not to date my roommate.”
(taken from http://www.discerningreader.com/book-reviews/just...
btw, I highly recommend "Just DO something" book.
LOL
Dang, Jon! You're hilarious!
man, some of these things would've been excellent 4 months ago. but oh well. on with life..
This is amazing. Absolutely hilarious.
Jon, this post is just awesome!