SCL

we have a large church and we have ushers, aka secret service men, in every nook and cranny of the building.

i’ll never look at them the same again.

did you ever watch them too? you can tell they are getting info because they stop what they are doing and just get this blank stare, then they slowly turn toward the spot they are supposed to be checking out. of course, i always turn to see what’s going on in case it’s something big.

Are those earpieces or hearing aids? wink wink

Don’t forget though, that lady that shot the gunman in the Colorado church.

I am NOT saying we should arm these ushers er secret service folks, but perhaps a viewing of karate kid?

You are the man. Only you, Jon, could weave Jimmy “the Superfly” Snuka into a Christian blog. If I see a reference to the Great Kabuki in the near future you will have won all my respect. I laugh out loud every day thanks to your site. Keep it up.

karate kid? shuddering at my visions of ushers trying to do “the crane”…..fsi

HAHAHAHA – best one yet, Jon.

Take a bow. Seriously, take a bow.

Hilarious!!! I’ve noticed this at a few local churches, but didn’t realize that it was going on everywhere! That makes it even funnier!

Is there any connection between the ‘secret service’ usher thing and the hanging-on-a-light-pull chain 7 x 11 i.d. card the ministerial staff wear hanging at belt level? What’s that about?

(Staff: all both of them.)

Heck, the pastors at some of the larger churches actually do have bodyguards these days. Kinda nuts.

oooh! I used to go to a big church that had secret service guys. One time this drunk guy came in and plunked himself down on the front row in the middle of the sermon. Then he started shouting questions at the pastor – I guess he didn’t realize sermons aren’t typically interactive. A secret service guy was on him so fast – he put his arm around the drunk, trying to look like he was loving on they guy but I was too close to be fooled. The SS guy pushed him down to the altar so it would look like they were praying together, then “helped” the guy up and escorted him out. It was so awesome. I was only a few rows away.

You had Hulk Hogan’s move, the Leg Drop, mentioned in another post. Now you mention Jimmy the SuperFly. What’s next? A reference to someone looking like the Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiasi taking money out of the collection plate? Of course they’re only doing this to make change.

Our ushers are rather harmless and almost invisible. I only notice them when I have to pass the offering plate. Then again, we’re a bit behind on a number of things…

We DO have a lot of kids with promise rings though.

BTW,
“your”, not “you’re”

My wife is an english teacher…

Our ushers are just regular guys…maybe that’s why we are having a shortage. The Secret Service image could boost volunteerism. Summertime is the time of superheros…the timing is perfect. I’ll bring it up at our next staff mtg.

Since we go to a large church we need lots of extra ushers for Easter and my husband got asked to help out. He was only expecting to shake hands, find seats, etc., but it turns out he was asked to help with communion, too. After serving, the head usher asked him if everything went alright, to which my husband replied, “It’s amazing but the juice in ever cup tastes exactly the same.”

And because he says things like that that I know I have married the right man.

Hey Jon! I’ll bet the Secret Service ushers at my church could beat up the Secret Service ushers at your church!
It would be a communion cup slammin’ throw down…

The last few rows of our church are reserved for visitors. Members are supposed to sit in the front rows. We came in late one time and decided to sit in the back row. We both ran to the bathroom, and when we got back the Secret Service Ushers had moved all our stuff to another row and pointed to the “Reserved for Visitors” sign on the end of the row. We had to do the walk of shame in from of the congregation to find our new seats.

I’m sort of scared of our ushers now. It felt like we “had been warned.” Next time, they might do The Crane on us!

I was praying for a dude at a weepy altar service one night when, out of nowhere, he started freaking out and screaming at me, demanding that I pray pray for him in the name of Satan.
As I pondered this request (not so much), our usher staff, aka secret service, rushed to my aid. With amazing accuracy, they sniped him from the balcony.
Just kidding about that last part.
What really happened was they promptly escorted him to the side of the building and THERE they sniped him.
Kidding again, of course.

As a side note, wouldn’t it be great if ushers carried numchucks?–Non-lethal force AND they’re so darn cool.

Andrew W.

I don’t really have time to keep commenting on your blog but for some reason my delusions of grandeur keep telling me that you obviously WANT to hear from me or you wouldn’t have the option to comment. I just can’t understand all the other people on here thinking you want to hear from them as well. Perhaps a memo is in order from you.

Ah well, the secret service as ushers. I can honestly say that we do not have this in London. I’m really beginning to feel a bit taken advantage of by my church. I mean, they want me to tithe each week, heck, they keep passing that red bag around and they DON’T like if you borrow FROM it so I’m guessing they want my money.

Yet, do they provide me the safety and security of secret service men? Nope. Not at all. Not that I’m expecting the Queen’s Guard to keep watchful eye on my wallet during church (not heard of any plans of my church moving to meeting at Clarence House any time soon either).

Maybe just one strong looking bloke standing by the door would suffice. Just one strong looking, dark haired looking bloke standing by the door. Okay, just one strong looking, dark haired, tanned bloke who maybe has some time off from his modelling job during the week looking bloke posing by the door. We deserve some sort of protection don’t we?

at my church… i have seen the ushers throw down… and when that happens… oh, it’s on!!!

the security detail suffer no fools at our six flags over Jesus….

Did you just watch “Sniper” on Comcast HD on-demand? I just did. What a bad movie. What a great reference.

I know this blog is satirical, but here’s an informative reply:

After the Wedgwood shootings in ’99, churches in the DFW area amped up security. I know that many of the “ushers” in our local churches really are strategically placed security guards that are trying to blend into the environment so that churchgoers don’t feel uncomfortable.

YES! This post is so on point! My cousin and I used to get into trouble during services because we were furnishing our secret service ushers with dialogue as they walked around the church. A couple of them did have the ear piece. When our pastor pulled into the parking lot we would jokingly declare in our sleeves ‘the eagle has landed!’ lol

The ushers at my church are DEFINITELY secret service agents. Sometimes so much so that they sneak up behind you. I mean you could be listening to the sermon and then just turn to your right and one would be sitting right there looking like he’s listening too, but you know he’s really watching you.

At other churches I’ve gone to the ushers were more like air traffic controllers.

“It’s like the time my two year old hit her older sister in the head with the wooden xylophone mallet. She was curious, she just wanted to use it and see what kind of sound a head would make.”

I can totally understand. It’s the same philosophy that says, “I wonder what will happen if I light this match right here.”

“The usher will just lean over, sleeper hold the guy and whisper, ‘Shhh, it’s OK. Just sleep, just sleep.’”

Dude, this would SOOO work in a charismatic church. All you have to do is act like you’re laying hands on the person.

I go to a Baptist church where they say that numbers aren’t important, but it is a Baptist church, so we have a “sniper” usher standing on the side steps of the balcony getting a head count. “Roger that…section 413 secure with 82…”

I’ve been a member of several churches that had security ministries. My home church had armed undercover police every Sunday. Grant it, it was in the hood, but still. My current church has police to help people drive out of the parking lot. That, I can understand considering the potential smackdowns that could come when folks are trying to make it to the post-service buffet.

Sad Random Fact: Dr. Martin Luther King’s mother was shot dead while playing the organ one Sunday morning. Perhaps they could have used security at that church.

First, I’ve never commented but I love the blog! Makes me laugh AND think!
The first time I ever saw someone wearing a “security” earpiece at my church, I was convinced that he was part of some plot to blow the place up. I couldn’t for the life of me imagine why anyone would need an earpiece in church! Later someone explained it to me, but of course I spent the whole service watching this guy’s every move, and being pretty freaked out…oops. =)

An actual secret service agent used to go to my church. And serve as an usher. No joke. When you side-hugged him, you could feel his gun.

He and his wife taught high school Sunday school.

comment on Christina’s post….

i can’t think of a better person to be teaching high schoolers…..except maybe they should be teaching 6th grade boys…. …….

“An actual secret service agent used to go to my church. And serve as an usher. No joke. When you side-hugged him, you could feel his gun.

He and his wife taught high school Sunday school.”

I have reason to believe that the gun was probably for the high schoolers.

One usher at a church I attended wore an earpiece, even though the church had no communication system.
I think he was getting the translation of the service, or maybe it was his phone–but it looked cool.

Our church has those ushers too and some of them really used to be secret service men. I thought it was a little weird that they used to follow the pastor and his wife around on Sundays.
What’s even cooler than that though is our church has an finger print identification system to get into the offices. I am very fortunate to be ‘in the system’ because my husband is on staff. I felt really awesome when my parents came to visit us and I had to scan my finger to open the office door. Yeah baby, I’m a hot shot!

haven’t witnessed this 1 here in jamaica, but seriously had me cracking up at the office.

Oh my!

I was visiting a pretty well known church in Tulsa once, and there was a very well known guest speaker there. During the altar service, a woman gestured to the guest speaker for him to come over and kneel down (the stage was really tall) so that she could tell him something. I watched as 4 “secret service men” came out of nowhere to converge upon the poor unsuspecting woman who probably just wanted to tell the guest speaker that he was awesome for making it snow in Phoenix that one time.

The funniest part was watching the guest speaker wave the “secret service” away in an “I’ve got this one, boys” sort of way.

I like the subtle Chick fil-A reference

and

once again, I’m glad my church is small.

haha, that’s awesome. however, the ushers at my church are either some deacons that may or may not be a casual suit and tie combo or, during night services, are no older than ten years old and walk too fast down the aisle and you can’t put in your tithe…

We have separate ushers and security. We have had to take people out during a service and nobody but the security team and one of the assistant pastors knew anything was going on. They spotted the guy as he pulled into the parking lot and parked in the drop off area. During the alter call he came down and wanted to tell the pastor that he was preaching the next service.

When our “ushers” have hall monitor duty, they always wear jackets – to hide their “piece.” Yep, they’re packing. No hall monitor duty? Jeans and a tshirt. Okay, not really, it’s an IB church, but still, you know the days they’re carrying.

God bless citizens with concealed carry permits that make good use of them. As history shows, you can’t be too careful, even in church.

Here in the UK we have our local neighbourhood Community Support Officer (a sort of assistant police officer) come to church (to worship) most Sundays when on his 'beat'. We are only a small church (about 150 at our service most Sundays), so it really obvious when he comes in with his uniform (with bulletproof vest etc).

Part of my remit is the PA system, and after repeated beggings from the operators I have persuaded him to turn his radio off when he comes in .

At my parents church the ushers DO double as security detail…and prowl the parking lot for a teenager who is suspicious-looking skateboarding during church, and he MUST be looking to rob some cars…until you find out that he's waiting to go to the next service that starts in fifteen minutes.
Yeah.

I am the administrator for our church and yesterday I just had lunch with the Head of our Security Team discussing the roles of his security team! We do have security for our church and it is their job to keep the peace in our church, escort out any drunks, people high, and disorderly, watch the childrens area, and be ready to help the pastor out if needed. The truth is that there is a spiritual battle always taking place (Ephesians 6) and when you are preaching the gospel week to week you see alot of horrible things and people know who you are as the church in the community. We have seen some rough stuff take place inside our walls and we only put together this team out of necessity. Ex body builder -Leader, 2x National Juijitsu Champion, and a brown belt Juijitsu fighter.. and we have a couple more ready to go…All LOVE Jesus!!!!

Believe it or not, I’ve actually had a church usher try to Vulcan neck pinch me before. He botched it, of course, and just wound up squeezing the pressure point in my shoulder. I was 15 at the time and I was mortified o.O Needless to say, that usher got a steern talking to by the Pastor. I don’t even remember what I did. I think I refused to stop standing in the lobby after the service started or something.

I am so glad I don't live in America. You people are weird.

hahaha that is so awesome