#224. Lying because I love you.
May 13th by JonIf you’ve spent any time reading this site, you’ve learned two things about me: I like referencing rap music from the 90s and I have a black belt in lying. Seriously, I used to lie every time I opened my mouth. I would lie about things that didn’t even matter. It was a real problem a few years ago but is something I’ve been working on. Along the way, I developed highly sensitive “Lie-dar” or the ability to spot a lie or smell my own kind so to speak. So every now and then I like to shed some light on a particular kind of lie that I think we Christians like. Today’s is the “lying because I love you” lie.
I remember one of the times I lied to my wife. We were planning a trip to a city I didn’t every really want to go back to. The last time I had visited this particular city I had done some really stupid things. Just talking about going back with her stirred up a lot of shame I had not dealt with yet. I particularly didn’t want to see people that had been witness to my horrible behavior.
So when she asked me where I wanted to stay, I made up a really lame excuse of why I didn’t want to stay with some particular friends. (If you’re playing along at home, “lame excuse” is an attempt to drape a lie in nicer clothes than it deserves.) She bought the lie, or so I thought, and we went to bed.
Why did I tell her that? Why did I lie? Honestly because I love her. I thought that if I told her the real reason I didn’t want to see our friends it would force her to mentally relive that chapter of our lives. That if I were honest, it would bring back that unpleasant memory for her and she would experience more pain. So I lied to protect her. I lied out of love.
When you write it like that, it’s pretty simple to see the foolishness of that logic, but it’s so easy to do. Think about a time when you’ve not completely disclosed some financial truth to your husband or wife because you don’t want them to worry. “We’re a little over our budget this month, but I don’t want Pam to freak out so I won’t bother her with what’s going on.” Or you hide something from your spouse because you know they’re insecure about that particular area of their life. “My husband is insecure about his physical appearance so I won’t tell him I’m worried he’s making some unhealthy decisions with his diet because I don’t want to hurt him.” Or in my case, “I failed in the past and I don’t want my wife to think about that failure, so I’ll lie in the future.”
So dumb, but again, I really thought that I was lying to my wife because I didn’t want to hurt her. My small group leader always says, “It’s interesting that when you were messing up, when you were failing, you didn’t have a problem with hurting your wife by your actions.” He’s right, the truth is, that lying is always about protecting me, not someone else. In the example above, I didn’t want to deal with the consequences of my actions. I didn’t want to experience how my wife’s anger would make me feel. I was worried about my feelings not her’s, so I tried to cover them up with the false nobility of protecting my wife.
But it never works, it always catches up with us. The next morning after I told that lie, I felt like God called me out on it in my quiet time. That night I confessed to my wife that I had lied. Her response? “I know. I know why you didn’t want to go back to see those friends, I just wanted to hear you say it.”
The takeaway? Lying is never an act of love and people that are close to you usually know when you’re pushing them further away with a lie.
Comments
HALLEJULAH!!!! Somebody else gets that lying just doesn’t work – ever! Lying is all about protecting oneself and never about anyone else. I have always told those close to me that I’d rather have them stick me with a sharp object than lie to me (well, I really don’t want them to do either one!). Thanks for giving us the bottom line on lying.
And have I told you how much I love reading your thoughts? Just a great blog!
Man…that was really good (profound, I know).
Wow! I would say we must have been separated at birth, but I’m probably years older than you are. I also struggled with lying a lot in my younger days. I don’t so much now ‘cuz I’ve realized I’m not good at it! HA! I know, I should’ve said something to make myself look more spiritual, but that would’ve been lying.
I forgot to mention something. I haven’t been able to read ALL of your stuff, so I was wondering if you’ve already talked about the church bulletins that post the “order of worship” in them. It seems to me that people use this as a checklist for when church is almost over. What say you?
Funny Christy should mention it –I’ve been irked recently because my church has removed the order of service from the bulletin.
And right on, Jon. Lying never, but never works. In a beneficial way at any rate.
ha ha ha
I’d tell you it really wasn’t THAT lame but erm… that would be lying!
This is a guy thing, right?
Lying–self deception–is particularly hard to deal with in the workplace. I work for a software company that is selling stuff we don’t have and stuff that doesn’t work! If we admit it, then we have no business plan at all.
We didn’t used to be that way. I’ll be leaving the company soon.
” … the truth is, that lying is always about protecting me, not someone else.”
So simple, but so profound.
If you aren’t convinced that “I lie because I love you” doesn’t make sense, just substitute the word “lie” for “sin.”
Yeah, man, that’s love. I was thinking about you, boo, when I allowed the devil to use me. Get’s them every time.
*sarcasm for those who can’t tell*
I wish more people made accepting the truth easier, but that still is no excuse for lying. I have to remember that I’m only held accountable for what I do, not how others respond to what I do.
Brian.. What a great post. I used to do the same exact thing. So I know what your saying. But when you finally realize that just being honest is so much better then the lame excuses it slowly makes it easier. I know I am still a work in progress.
Her response? “I know. I know why you didn’t want to go back to see those friends, I just wanted to hear you say it.”
So… it sounds like she lied first then…
anon -
good question. I guess we could debate that. All my wife did was ask me why I didn’t want to go somewhere. She didn’t say, “I don’t know why you don’t want to go.” Is her asking me my opinion about why I didn’t want to go a lie? I don’t think so, but again I think you could argue either way.
Jon
I love this post. It feels like sacred stuff to me.
I also love how your posts make me laugh and think more.
Thank you.
Lately I’ve been reading your posts a lot. This one really struck me. I have a problem lying about stupid stuff. Like movies I’ve seen, or places I’ve been. STUPID stuff. I’m not really sure why I do it. I guess to make myself look better or something. Which I’m not really sure how that makes me look better, but… Thanks for your honesty. It’s good to know I’m not the only one. Please pray that God can break that chain. Anyway, thanks!
I just found your blog. It’s great. I loved the personal honesty in this post. Thanks for risking telling the truth.
btw I loved your wife’s response to your lie…she just let you sit in it and waited for you to come back to her with the truth. A lesser woman would have nailed you in the moment.
I’ll be back.
Thanks for addressing this one.
I have had Christians lie to me and admit they did…and it was because it was GODS WILL that i not get something (in this case it was school-related) done.
I now know that when a Christian makes a promise it is a lie.
this one hits home. lying is something that i have done in the past for stupid reasons, and I have really been trying over the past year and a half to get it in check. it is an easy trap to fall into.