#195. Believing bad times equals bad us. (The cocaine testimony)
May 2nd by JonMy life fell apart during the summer of 2005. It was mostly my doing, but there were factors outside of my control that contributed to the internal combustion I felt going on. My marriage was broken. My job was hanging on by a thread. My friendships were surface at best. Wounds I had failed to deal with in the past suddenly loomed neon in my “now.” It was like a perfect storm came together and threatened to drown me. It would be sensational to say I was suicidal, but I will say that I started to sympathize with the idea. I incorrectly began to believe for some people that were so far gone, ending a life might be the only escape route.
To oversimplify the last three years, God stepped into the pit and pulled me out. He revived my heart and started walking me through some of the best times of my entire life. Blessing upon blessing has followed that summer and though I often fail to show it, I am incredibly grateful. But, there’s a really dangerous idea hidden in those two paragraphs. It’s one I constantly wrestle with and I don’t think I’m alone. The idea is this:
“When I am bad, God does not love me and gives me bad times. When I am good, God loves me and gives me good times.”
I haven’t done a post on prosperity ministry and even though I think there are some similarities between this post and that movement, this ultimately isn’t about that. This is older and bigger than prosperity ministry. This is a belief I think God has fought since the dawn of time and I think it’s one that still punches the Christian community in it’s collective face fairly regularly.
This happens in subtle ways. No one sets out to design a works-based God, it just sort of happens. When you do well on a test, your teacher is happy with you. When you try hard in a game, your coach is happy with you. When you do all your chores around the house, your parents are happy with you. When you finish the project early, your boss is happy with you. It’s very easy to find examples in our lives of cause and effect relationships. Areas where if we do something deemed as “good,” we are rewarded with something good. That makes sense. That is a logical way to look at life. And so we start to naturally and quietly apply that same filter to God. I do it before I speak to large groups. In the week before I think, “I better be really good this week because I want God to bless what I say.”
But here’s the thing, God is weird. I know that does not sound theological, but He is. He does not operate like us. His ways are different. Sometimes He gives us seemingly horrible things because He loves us. That is a weird sentence that begs further explanation.
I’m writing a book right now called “The Prodigal Son’s Field Guide: 101 Things to Do the Day After the Welcome Home Party.” I have this idea that most of us live our lives between arrival and exit. That is, we’ve come home and we’re going to leave again unless we do something differently this time. In researching the book, I came across something interesting about the unpleasant gifts God tends to give us.
(If you’ve never read the story of the prodigal son, here’s a one sentence recap: Young son runs away from home to spend his inheritance on hookers and comes back broke but is thrown a party by a father that is overwhelmed he is still alive.)
I missed a word the first 100 times I read this story. The word I am talking about is “famine.” Here is what Luke 15:14 says:
After he had spent everything, there was a severe famine in that whole country, and he began to be in need.
Did you ever wonder why he needed a severe famine before he began to be in need? I mean he had nothing. His money was gone. His friends were presumably gone. He had nothing and was nothing, but that was not enough for him. He needed the famine to hit rock bottom. He needed the famine as the final straw that broke his stubborn back. And I did too.
The summer of 2005 was my severe famine. It was the moment when I came to the end of me. When I realized that I did not possess the things inside of me that I needed to fix me. I began to be in need. And I now see that summer as a gift from God.
I think God is in the famine giving business. I think in the prodigal son story He gave the son that famine. He funded the downfall by not refusing to give the son his money. Certainly he knew the son’s intentions and yet he gave him the money anyway. He even helped create a famine moment for the older brother. Did you ever notice that? He didn’t invite the older brother to the party initially. He says get a robe, slaughter a calf but never “and go tell his older brother to come.” He broke the older brother by throwing that party for the son and he knew it. When the older brother comes home and realizes his messup brother is back, he angrily says:
‘Look! All these years I’ve been slaving for you and never disobeyed your orders. Yet you never gave me even a young goat so I could celebrate with my friends.’
That’s not just an angry relative yelling at a father. That is a man standing in the middle of a famine, a moment during which everything he knows about life has been proven incorrect. Good deeds don’t equal good rewards. His world is upside down.
Why does God give us famine moments? Because there is nothing He won’t do to draw us close to Him. Would the God that killed His son to get closer to us find it too cruel to throw you into a famine? Would the God that watched His only son hang on a cross find it too harsh to bring you to the bottom of a dark pit if that’s where you would call out for light? I don’t think so.
My wife has a friend with a weird testimony. In it, she says that she is thankful for cocaine. If I had a dollar for every testimony that said that, I would have a dollar. You see she is an alcoholic. She was facing a slow, 30-year death by bottle until she met cocaine. Cocaine fast forwarded her to the bottom. Cocaine put her crash on warp speed. And there in her lowest moment, is where she found God waiting. So she is thankful for cocaine.
Chances are, you know someone in your life that is in the middle of a famine. If you do, please don’t try to rescue them. Don’t try to force them out of it or Bible verse them out of it. Go stand in it with them. If they are hungry, go be hungry beside them. If they are drowning, let the ocean sweep you up too. They might be right where God wants them. They might be standing in His embrace without even knowing it. Tell them about the gift of famines. They might not understand but tell them that God loves them. And He will do anything to show them that.
Maybe you’re in a famine right now. Maybe right now in Houston or California or Singapore or London or New Zealand you’re the reason I was supposed to write this. I can’t stand in your famine because I’m a thousand miles away but there’s something God wants you to know – He loves this. This doesn’t have to be about failure. His love is not only expressed through goodness. Sometimes deep love is expressed through deep storms. But He loves you. And if that is the only thing you take from this, then it’s been worth the writing.
Comments
yes…. love it. very insightful. i always have had a problem with those who think we have to correct someone’s ‘problems’ or sinful behaviors before they can come to God. i firmly believe God meets people where they are and then goes from there, christian and non-christian alike.
i don’t recall ever reading about Jesus’ using guilt. he met people with love….
I live in Houston…and I found your site through someone else’s blog…but your words were exactly what I needed today. I work at a school where many of the students have suffered so much already in their very young lives. Today, one of my sweet 4th grade girls wept over the reminder of seeing her mother shot and killed right in front of her at the age of 5. What do you say to that? I was able to let her know that her loss was not a punishment, but that God will show His goodness to her through her pain because He loves her. You said it beautifully and I just took it and put it in 4th grade words. Thank you so much.
Either you believe in an omnipotent God with a plan, or you don’t.
Wow. This really resonates with what I’ve been espousing for a while, blogged about yesterday and going to follow-up blog today. I think I might reference it.
Thank you for blessing me with this post.
[ Aaron ]
Thank you. That “bad thing happened to me because I did something wrong” mindset is something I’ve struggled with for a while–even though I know that’s NOT the way God works. Thank you for this.
You pretty much summed up the winter of 2004-2005 for me (and unfortunately, mini-famines in between, when I have had to relearn [and relearn AGAIN] the lesson that my circumstances do not indicate my blessing or status with God). Thanks for putting it into words so well.
all i can think to say is ‘thank you’.
i often have to remind myself that God is good even when it hurts. maybe i need to amend that to say: God is good *especially* when it hurts.
bring on the famine.
Man this post really is awesome. While i dont feel like im going through a famine moment right now, I am living in New Zealand (thanks for the mention btw), so it totally spoke to me anyway.
But seriously this’ll be one post i come back to over and over again when i need reminding of how true it is.
Jon,
this post defines you. The depth of your faith shines through and the love you have to offer reaches me.
I think I am going through a famine right now. It’s hard to look around and see people being blessed with babies and have that voice inside my head saying, “If God really loved you, he would bless you too.”
I never thought too much about the older brother, but what you said makes sense.
I really struggle with understanding a God that would purposely send a famine. I’ve never looked at it like that. I just gave him the benefit of the doubt and believed he was simply using tough situations to teach me. I just can’t wrap my head around the idea that he purposely orchestrated the death of both of my parents on the day of my daughter’s birth…or my husband cheating on me… Sure, these things brought me to rock bottom and back to a more genuine relationship with the Lord, but I guess I need to dive back into some scripture, because I was hanging onto the idea that He was grieving with me and sharing in my disappointment at those times – not just sitting back waiting for me to figure out it was all for my own good. :/
anon-
I don’t think for a second that God sits back and waits for us to figure it out. In the story of the prodigal son he is watching the road. There’s the sense that he was watching and looking and searching to see his son. And I think he grieves. Just like in the Psalms where it says he stores our tears in a bottle, I think he feels each one with us
Jon
“Chances are, you know someone in your life that is in the middle of a famine. If you do, please don’t try to rescue them. Don’t try to pull them out of it or Bible verse them out of it. Go stand in it with them. If they are hungry, go be hungry beside them. If they are drowning, let the ocean sweep you up too. They might be right where God wants them. They might be standing in His embrace without even knowing it.”
Jon,
I can’t even describe how much those lines actually say. Well done and well put.
-John Hall
Fresno, CA
Jon, I hit rock bottom 2 1/2 years ago when my 18 year struggle with porn was exposed by my wife. She gave me an ultimatum, get help or get out. This may sound tough, but I was also a very absent, selfish husband for years. Those words of hers were actually the toughest, yet most loving, words to have ever crossed my ears. I now know and have come to understand that God was using this time in my life as a means of His grace to bring me to then end of myself. God had the time, place, circumstances and words all planned meticulously to bring me to a place of true brokeness and repentence. The bible says in Romans 4:2, “Do you not know that it is the kindness of the Lord that leads you to repentance.” Breaking me was the kindest thing my Savior has ever done for me. There is a comment to this post saying that God doesn’t cause bad things to happen to us to test us, he just lets us experience the consequences. The commentor uses scripture that says God cannot tempt us. This is absolute truth, however, the misconception is that God does not ALLOW us to be tempted. I believe this to be untrue. 1 Corinthians 13 talks about temptation and says that God does not allow us to be tempted “beyond what we can bear…” This leads me to believe that God DOES ALLOW us to be tempted. When we choose to trust Him and not give into our sinful nature, our character is strengthened and we become more like Christ. The thing we must remember in the face of temptation is that God is not trying to rip us off and keep us from experiencing great things. The flip side is this, however, that when we decide God is trying to rip us off, keeping us from some form of fun or excitement (that ultimately may lead to sinful thoughts or behavior) he allows us to experience the negative consequences. Hebrews 12 directly addresses this very topic as the writer talks of the Discipline of the Lord. I like to us the word training instead of discipline. I think it captures the heart of the writer and the context better. God uses trials and temptations in our lives (remember, he allows temptation, he, himself does not tempt) to bring forth the “fruitful peace of righteousness.” Although painful and not so joyful, those of us who have been trained by God’s discipline, come to understand and love the grace of our Lord in a full, passionate way.
Thanks for the post man!
you just gave me hope. thank you.
I’ve been reading your blog for a long time now, somehow I must have missed this one…. That was powerful, man. God used you to speak an amazing truth. Thank you so much for this post, even as I read it almost a year late!
Thanks – Almost a year after you wrote it and it made me cry.
I know it’s a year later, but…thanks, Jon.
Jon, I’m a reader but have never commented before. I have cancer and have been going through 3 years of pure hell. I used to be a Bible study leader, my husband is a pastor. I used to have what I considered a very close relationship with God. My first time I went through cancer treatment 10 years ago, I got much closer to God. This time, though, something in me has felt stretched to the breaking point. I’ve withdrawn from God, become bitter towards him, stopped praying and finding comfort in the Bible.
Yesterday I made a faltering step back to him. I’m exhausted from trying to go it alone. Today I’m afraid of what I did … afraid to really return to him. How can he be love when he has allowed me such pain for so long? I always thought I was one of his favorites (LOL).
Anyway, reading this today was very timely and I think God did mean it for me. I don’t know exactly how to get back to him, but I feel like that prodigal who desperately needs his (or her in my case) Dad.
Thanks again.
Omigosh, this post is one of the best things I have EVER read. Can’t say like the Cocaine testimony that I’m thankful for my famine, but this post helps me reconcile myself to God’s sovereignty.
It’s about a year later, but yeah, I’m in Houston.
And here I thought I hated the times when God put me in a Job like situation. I never knew what I did wrong. But He has never left me not once even when I turned my back on Him, not once. For that I’m truly grateful. I loved this post!!!
Probably one if your best posts up to this point. Wow…
JFK
Great post!
Relient K has a great song about this called Let It All Out, here’s my favourite part of the song:
And you said I know that this will hurt
but if I don’t break your heart then things will just get worse
If the burden seems too much to bear
Remember
the end will justify the pain it took to get us there
It speaks to me every time.
I found this website this morning and am really encouraged and blessed by your wittiness, authenticity, realness and insight. I know very well my Bible (to the "good" Christian degree") and indeed, when I feel good yes, I want to call all of my Christian friends and have those "Christ-like" discussions, which I don't intend to fully mock for they are sincere and nescessary at times, but in times of illness, pain, break ups, sin, I find I become the eldest son. Wait a second God, I was the one who waited to have sex before marriage, and I was raped and pregnant…(now with a beautiful 2 year old)….I was the one who didn't cuss, didn't (name it, I was the Marry Poppins of Christianity) and after the rape, I went full frontal Prodigal. I dove into the world of drinking, sex, drugs (hey they were prescribed!) But God, I HAD the baby and bore the Scarlett Letter, yes, ok, I'm thankful for her and cannot imagine my life without her, BUT I should be able to find a job, have a house now, meet a great guy….come on! I have been the eldest brother and the prodigal as perhaps there is some of both in all of us. I wish I could say I'm profoundly clear on all things God. But I am coming back and I like your point that the father didn't say, well, son, sit down and let's talk about this, you apologize, we'll check the calender for next week to see if we can celebrate…..
So, thanks.
Very touching. I will say that I do agree with LunarWorld 100% on this topic.