#180. Patronizing the "baby" Christians.
Apr 26th by JonI spent the last few days at the GEL Conference (Good Experience Live) in New York. It’s a two day event aimed at teaching you how to create good experiences for people. One of the speakers was a doctor named Bridgett Duffy. She is the Chief Experience Officer of the Cleveland Clinic and she focused on doctor empathy.
Apparently, medical students have more empathy for patients when they start medical school then when they finish. According to the statistics, they actually lose empathy during their time at medical school. Bridgett Duffy said the reason isn’t the classes, or the stress or anything else. The reason they lose empathy is that during their internship they encounter old, grumpy doctors. And Duffy says, the young students have the empathy “beaten out of them.”
The thing that struck me is that in some ways, this happens in churches too.
Have you ever seen this conversation happen?
New Christian:
“I’m just so excited about what God is doing in my life. He’s just so big and amazing. I want to tell everyone I care about how I feel about him.”
Old Christian:
“I remember when I first became a Christian I felt like that too.“
It’s subtle. Maybe it’s not as obvious as a veteran doctor yelling at a young doctor, but it’s there. Because when someone says “I remember how it use to be” when it comes to Christianity, that’s not what is heard. What new Christians hear is, “You’re on fire right now. I used to be on fire too. You’ll cool off.”
That’s such a pop the balloon and let all the air out thing to do. And I know I’ve done it to people in the past, especially as a pastor’s kid. They often say cop’s kids get into trouble because they’re immune to the laws. They are around the laws that govern us so much that they lose their importance and strength. They in essence get used to them.
I think that’s what happens to Christians. We are God’s kids and we get used to God and church and worship and all the things that feel so magical and weird when you first discover them. We get immune to the power of God and try to bring other Christians down to our level. I think there have been times when out of jealousy, I have said “that will fade” to new Christians. I wanted to feel that again, to know God was big and out of my control, just like they knew.
Like most things on this site, I don’t have a solution to this issue, other than “let’s not do this anymore.” Let’s just stop being jerks to new Christians. I promise I’ll try.
Comments
that whole doctor thing reminded me of dr. cox and JD on scrubs.
Well, Scrubs is supposed to be one of the most accurate portrayals of hospital life.
The episode you're thinking of is when JD's brother comes to stay, and ends up challenging Cox to be a more positive example. The examples in the last two series didn't exist when you commented.
Wow. I am SO guilty of this and didn’t even realize it.
What a great post. It’s so easy to for us to get used to God. But we need to keep trying to have a fresh encounter with Him on a daily basis so we don’t lose that “new” feeling.
When I was a “baby” Christian I never felt patronized, but I literally didn’t understand what was wrong with all the grown-up Christians who were so “blessed” by being around me. Now that I’m a preschool Christian (4 years old! woot!) I understand it, but I still strive to be as in love with Jesus everyday as I was when I first became a believer. It makes me really sad sometimes for all the grown-up Christians, they’re missing out.
I know I’ve done this (not very proud of myself). For me, I think it’s less out of jealousy, and more due to feeling guilty about my own fire cooling so much.
It’s just like any other marriage…we’re only built to have that unusual excitement for a few years, tops. (We’re patronizing to newlyweds, too.) Fortunately, real love is a choice. I think that’s where the whole “work out your salvation” thing comes in.
great post and very much on. I think the really sad thing is that we think the cynical “mature” christian response is normal though. I think the reason the cynicism creeps in is due to the theology of works and doing that is so prevalent in the church today that wears Christians out, puts them in bondage to law (do this, not that…), and robs them of the JOY that we experienced as new believers. Christ came that we might have LIFE abundant, because it is no longer we who live but Christ lives in us. Good book to read to reset your mind bogged down in performance Christianity is Classic Christianity by Bob George.
I find myself doing this to engaged and newlyweds. But I realize it’s because I have so much pain in my own marriage that I can barely look at other people’s wedding photos.
And that’s what’s at the root of why we say this to other Christians. We’ve been so hurt and disappointed by “church” and “church people” and perhaps most, by ourselves and our own walk, that we’re not jealous or mad, we’re just hurt.
God, please heal us and restore us to a place in you where we feel something genuine and healthy – not emotional, but real. We need to be passionate about you again. We’re useless if we aren’t. In Jesus Name, Amen.
I have to agree with anonymous, there.
This also ties into the MUST HAVE EXCITING CONVERSION STORY!!! thing that Christians love.
Some of us are just really old and really not that exciting. It’s like a comment you made in another post. If you were raised in the church, when did you fall in love with Jesus? I didn’t. Just as with my earthly father, I always loved him. Some people have exciting, awesome stories, some of us are the fulfillment of a promise. We like the term “covenant children” where I come from.
A similar problem is when you go to a retreat or a conference or something that gets you all fired up about doing God’s work, and then you come back all excited, and someone says something like, “Yeah, it’s hard to keep the fire going, though.” That’s true, but doesn’t saying that just make it that much harder? I’ve tried to say something a little more positive, like, “So what’s the next step in using that fire to accomplish something?” or “Keep that excitement, you just might infect someone else.” But I don’t always do that either, so I’m no less guilty.
“You’re on fire right now. I used to be on fire too. You’ll cool off.”
When I was a new Christian, someone actaually said this very thing to me. Nearly verbatim. It sucked then, and it still sucks.
On the good side, it’s been 14 years and I still think God is big and great and awesome. I’m more settled in my relationship — so maybe that’s what was meant about not being “on fire” — but what I have is still super, and I’m still growing.
Can we retire the term “baby Christian” for good now? Please?
OK, I know this is way late in the game, but I love this post so I had to comment.
This is something I’ve really been praying about because it is so true. Statistics show that new churches tend to grow while existing churches tend to keep the status quo. I believe this is in large part due to the idea that “Mature” Christians try to stop all that “kid stuff” in new Christians.
What I know is that Jesus tells us to be like kids in our belief. I also know we are to encourage one another in growth, AKA discipleship and mentoring. The last thing Jesus tells his disciples is “go into the whole world and preach my gospel, baptize them in the name of the Father, the Son, and the Holy Spirit and teach them all that I have commanded.” It is important to consider one of the things He commands is right here, to go and preach.
Anyways, I am trying to get this whole “mentoring” program going where “mature” Christians can come along side new Christians to help disciple them, but the real trick is teaching the mentors that this is a two way relationship. While they are pouring wisdom and knowledge into these new Christians they should be receiving excitement and energy, not trying to stamp it out.
I’m still a ways off with the whole program because I’m trying to get some discipleship foundations laid that teach how important it is to fan into flames the gifts God has given us (Paul says that to Timothy) not pout sour water all over it.
I’ll keep pondering and praying while God takes me down this path and trust that this is His answer.
Nick,
good comment. I think as a “mature” Christian, you have to be pretty dense not to hunger for the raw energy of the younger believers. Unless you don’t understand that we need to be moving forward. I’m always stoked when they’re willing to hang out with me, because I gain so much from the transaction.
BTW, I am a casual student of church movement and growth. I think young churches often grow because of the fervency of youth, and I think they often grow because they’re the latest fad. Here in California, it’s quite popular to jump on the latest hip-church bandwagon. It’s sincere, but somewhat faddish.
I can speak to this from the medical student perspective – it's so true. When I was about to start medical school, a friend of mine (a recent MD grad) told me, literally, "don't let them beat it out of you".
While I have encountered grumpy, cynical docs that really drag you down (after all, it's hard to disagree with your "superior", and I think new Christians feel that way when talking to old Christians), I also encountered old docs that are still excited and love their jobs. This rekindles the love of medicine in me and really encourages me that I, too, could love this job for the rest of my life.
I think that's true of Christianity. When you meet a mature Christian (ie, not just an "old" Christian, or a "lifer", etc) who is full of joy, it's so refreshing, exciting and encouraging. Thanks for a great reminder of how it's NOT all about us, but rather about the people around us. The little things we say and do can make a huge impact on others without us evening knowing it (for good or for bad).
I have done this, it must stop. One of my biggest efforts of the last couple of years has been to eradicate this type of behavior from my life and instead be a 'full of Joy' Christian.
We drive two hours each way to attend the church we love. We do it willingly and with glad hearts, as long as there are no "you're going to make us late!" fights on the way out the door.
When asked, recently, why we don't attend more often, I told the truth. She looked at me like i was crazy and told me we "shouldn't" be driving so far. I didn't know how to respond to that, smiled at her and changed the subject… I found it deeply condescending that she would assume that our faith and our commitment to finding a church home were not big enough to gladly "sacrifice" the time and gas to drive there. Maybe her desire wouldn't be big enough, but ours is. We may be "preschool Christians" (thanks, earlier poster, i love that phrase!) and we may not be typical church-goers ( very much into secular culture, music and technology, filtered for the kids), but we are dedicated to Christ and to finding a home church in which to raise our children and our spirits. How dare anyone tell me I "shouldn't" do what i feel called to do, just because they wouldn't do it?
phew! thanks for that, i feel better now.
I always think of it this way: love is not a feeling…it is a commitment. I love my dog. Sometimes he makes me crazy (and honestly, sometimes I feel that way about God, too when he does things that I don't like), but what I trade him for anything in all the world? Absolutely not! He is my dog, and I am his human. We've made a commitment to each other. That's how I feel about God, too.
After I received Yahshua I felt that feeling go away after awhile but Yahshua himself said that "I will have to leave you" to his disciples but the Holy Spirit (Ruach Hakodesh) will come upon you. We need to allow the ministry of these churches to bring people to Moschia Yahshua (Messiah Jesus) then encorage them to grow in the faith. Its like this would you tell a child that he will one day not enjoy playing with with toys, and he will soon grow out of watching cartoons? No you let them enjoy being a child because they will develop on their own eventually.
James