#164. The Christian version of speed dating.
Apr 19th by JonI was once dumped in a coat closet of a Polish American Club in the middle of a dance.
A girl from Birmingham Southern College once drove me home during a date because her ex-boyfriend was coming over.
I have been on multiple Christian harbor cruises and thought about swimming to shore at least once during each one.
All that to say, I was not good at dating. I kissed dating goodbye and it promptly punched me in the neck. I think I would be great at it now. If I could go back to college with the maturity, wisdom and, who am I kidding. I would still be horrible at dating, but recently someone pointed out a trend to me in the world of Christian dating. Let’s call it “church speed dating.”
This is when single men, and to a lesser degree single women, church shop until they find one that has an appropriate percentage of attractive, possible spouses. Apparently some lady readers have noticed squadrons of single men that come to church once or twice, sit in the back and do a little recon, fading into the shadows if the odds don’t look in their favor. And I don’t blame the guys.
It’s hard to meet cool Christian girls. It’s hard to meet cool Christian guys. I remember feeling that way in Birmingham. Not a pressure to marry, because I’m not sure if marriage is for everyone, but just a sense that my options were running out. After I graduated I felt like everyone left Birmingham and told me, “would the last person to leave please turn out the lights?”
Fortunately, for you and everyone else that is single and in search of cool people, there’s a solution. It’s called “North Point Community Church.” I have said this before and will continue to say this, but it’s the prettiest place I’ve ever been. It’s like there is a big, cool magnet drawing interesting people from around the Southeast. Seriously, it’s unbelievable and I hope to see the back rows packed with single guys this Sunday that have read this post. I’ll wear a red sweater and stand up and point out where the cool people sit that aren’t worried about doing the walk of shame when their kids get kicked out of Sunday School and their number is flashed on the screen. Good times will be had by all.
(Thanks to Jill for this idea.)
Comments
Jon — I love it!! And if I’m ever in your area, I’ll be sure to go to North Point.
Jill
Wow, must be nice…if you’re single and older, you might as well resign yourself to staying that way. I’m a happy part of a small church, active in a lot of ministries, but ain’t NO single guys going to go looking here!
Ah, well. Oh, here’s a good one for you: “gift of singleness.” Anyone heard that one used in church lately?
i don’t think i can get enough of your natural ability to provide ab-workout worthy posts.
thank you for remaining hilariously accurate.
Apparently singles ministries and divorce ministries (Broken Arms, Open Hearts) are FULL of these guys. I would verify but I’m too busy trying to figure out where in the heck single moms fit into the church. (stuff Christians don’t like: single moms).
Well Jon, that settles it. I’m packing my bags and heading south because the lack of Christian men up here is appalling. *lol* Up here it’s the ladies doing the shopping because the men have all “Kissed dating goodbye” until they meet someone that’s a 34-26-34
I think one of the big problem with Christian dating/finding relationships is that worldly influences have somehow found a place in the ‘looking for’ list. The person has to be a Godly man or woman, who is active at church, kind, constantly seeking after the Lords’ heart and seeking His will *AND* have a gorgeous body. How many Christian men or women have been eliminated as a good mate because someone thinks they are too short or too tall, hair isn’t the preferred color or length, or Heaven forbid they have a few extra pounds! That is the problem I have found with the single men at my church.
my pastor pointed us to your blog – love it! I used to go to “the- prettiest-church-on-earth” NPCC…and now attend a Crosspoint -e! lol
Sad to say, but, I have had friends in the past who done this. I would ask about a church and they would go on and on about the ladies there. I missed out, I never viewed church as a pick up place that was what college christian organizations are for
The last post was interesting. It is true that we as a society should learn to love for the right reasons to ensure a solid and lasting union.
recently our teacher pastor, david mckinley preached a very riveting sermon on the crucial-ness of christian men stepping up and marrying people … i’m pretty sure the ration is swinging as we speak… more single women… even less single men in attendance.
•by the way, the sermon was a spectacular look at marriage and the sacred regard it should be held in… but yeah, he called out the “commitment-phobes”
our pastor had a sermon illustration about commitment-phobes, and how he'd observe how these guys would date someone for years, finally break off the dead end relationship, then a few months later, wind up married. So, how could this happen to the c-phobes?
Instead of looking at marriage as a list of pros and cons or an institution, they found the person they KNEW they wanted to spend their lives with, and all that deliberation went out the window. That sermon gave me a lot of hope as an older single female commit-phobe.
Should I be less picky and particular? Should I settle who I'm unsure about? Should I get over all my relationship hang-ups? Or would there come a day when like these young guys, I'd just KNOW. The pastor made the comparison of deciding to join the Christian religion vs. coming to know and love Christ as a personal relationship.
And what do you know, a couple years after that sermon, he married my husband and I and repeated this life-altering sermon illustration.
All this to say, I'd hate for singles to feel guilted into getting married if they are not sure about their prospective mate, just for marriage sake. I don't envy the bride of some guy who had to be dragged down the aisle, instead of someone who truly wants and is committed to be there!
It was true in youth group and its true for young adult singles…
want guys to come? Have hot girls…
want girls to come? Have hot guys.
its sad that our attempts to grow closer to God gets compromised by our desire to find a mate, but who can blame us? We talktalktalk about relationships and encourage them (and Lord knows we hear from our grandparents and well meaning church friends how we’ll find the right one) so it makes sense we’d try hard.
sadly… that is one reason singles ministries at my church haven’t succeeded…we are lacking in the cute possibilities department.
devout: Our church loves single moms. We have a single moms ministry (no cool names) with their own parking spaces, free dinner from Saturday to Monday, etc. etc.
Yea, my church rocks because our leadership is obedient to Him.
ANYWAYS…
When I got divorced (I don’t know why I am explaining this but wife walked away from God, cheated on me, left me) and when God truly delivered me, I was all set out to be single for the rest of my life and do His will on this earth until He calls me home.
Then I read Jeremiah 16:1
If I am fully obedient to God, depend on Him for every single thing in my life (no matter how small or mundane), then God would have said (much like He told Jeremiah) that I am to be single for a season or for my lifetime.
My hope is in Him. My faith is in Him.
All that said, I have lost friends because they Christian speed dated.
“Oh the girls here are not hot enough. Gotta move on.”
I just got a little throw up in my mouth.
Joe: that’s awesome and I want to give your church a hug. Seriously. My biggest gripe right now is the “WHY are you single” question so the appropriate amount of pity can be doled out. heh. (we’re a single-parent family due to a child-abusing jerk.)
Anon 2: I agree that the biggest problem is that we’ve allowed wordly influence into the “looking for” list. But really, isn’t worldly influence the problem with half of the things on this list of Jon’s?
If you’ve ever gone to a Christian college this is worse…to the power of 7.
For Darcy’s “gift of singleness,” I’ll see your call and raise you: ever seen a girl (super spiritual of course) tell a lonesome guy, “I think God has given you the spiritual gift of celibacy. Have you prayed about embracing that gift in your life?”
I was there. I know the guy. Classic.
Does anyone else find it ironic that Josh-I-kissed-dating-goodbye-Harris is happily married? Kissing went beyond just dating, apparently!
Lastly: can someone define the intentions of a healthy “singles ministry?” Apart from a living eHarmony (note the use of e), how does it rise above the hottie quotient of its attendeees? Just curious what that looks like. (as opposed to just a career/young adult group, or age based groups)
Some guys sit in the back because they don’t want people to find out their single. Once people – especially middle-aged women – find out you’re a Christian, educated, professional, homeowning single man, everybody’s trying to hook you up with their daughter/niece/friend.
And one of the many problems with this is that if you’ve spent too many dates with the “wrong” girls at church, the “right” girl usually won’t even give you the time of day, because you’ve “been around” (in the Christian sense). So while you can still go to that church, you’ll probably have to go to another church to find a spouse if you’re looking. Which of course, only brings the “Oh, none of the women here are good enough for you, huh?” comments. You can’t win.
That would be Buckhead Church, not NPCC. (Especially since 7:22 moved South.)
My favorite thing about being single (and I’m actually stealing this from Beth Moore, but it is sooo true!) is that sure-to-come comment that some married folk make that goes like this:
“Oh you poor little sweetie. God will send you a husband/wife when He is done preparing you.”
My response is ALWAYS:
“That’s nice, but why did all my friends get to find a spouse when CLEARLY God was not done preparing THEM?”
I kissed dating goodbie too, for a brief moment, a few years back. But mainly that was just because at that time, Dating was like a distant relative on a cruise in the Bahamas, with no cellphone, and a fake passport, and was nowhere to be found. It’s pretty easy to kiss something goodbie when it doesn’t even send you a postcard.
Anonymous,
Love the “Spritual gift of celibacy” quote. That is pricelss…You just can’t make that stuff up!! I went to a Christian college across the street from a seminary that was 10 to 1 guys to girls. All the men were always trolling for the “fresh meat” (read new freshman girls) each fall. You were especially attractive if you possessed any additional talents like singing or playing the piano. Everyone knows preacher’s wives have to be able to do those things. Anyway, as a PK I ran screaming the other direction as fast as possible, even though I am a decent pianist. Their loss!
hahaha…you must of went to Asbury. What would you think if i told you the seminary eats at the college for dinner now…..10-1 is right, but of that 1 its 50-1 in non attractive girls to attractive single girls
Hrm… is this a bait-and-switch? North Point: come for the hotties, stay for the Jesus!
Just kidding. This is a good post. And ditto to those who have made the comparison to campus ministries. Goodness knows enough of us fell in love on college Bible study retreats at scary locations in the woods.
Great post. I agree with brooke and anon @ 3:56 PM, as I have been in both circumstances.
I know that I’m going to get attacked for this one, but I think another great topic would be how Christians like to exercise hypocrisy for the genders.
Constantly telling men that they need to be more loving, protective and communicative, because that’s how women are designed and that’s what they need.
And not mention one word about women needing to be more respectful, supportive, and visually pleasing, because that’s how men are designed and that’s what they need.
I completely agree that men need to learn those things so that they can better please their wives, when they get married. Because women need communication and love to feel sexually attracted to their husbands.
But I also believe that women need to learn to be more respectful and work on their appearance more, so that they can better please their husbands, when they get married. Because men need respect and visual aids to feel sexually attracted to their wives.
That’s how the genders were designed by God.
And don’t throw the scripture at me that God looks on the inside, not the outside. That’s God. We’re not God. It’s good to do, though. However, God did design each gender with these different needs and desires that shouldn’t be excluded.
Disclaimer: Appearance should not be at the top of any desired list, as there are much more important criteria, but it should not be excluded from the list either. IMHO
Like a church, but there’s no singles with potential?
It’s simple.
Ask the people there TO SET YOU UP.
Each one knows at least one or two single people.
So the effect is MULTIPLIED. What, got set up, and it didn’t work? No worries, that person doesn’t know anyone else at church, so they are “quarantined.” IOW, you don’t have to worry about some other potential mate finding out how bad you did on the date. BAM.
You should do a post about Christian DTRs (Define the Relationships). Like their secular counterpart, in that each party attempts to present their own case and perspective, but different, because each party ALSO attempts to present GOD’S view of things… something much more, er, elusive, especially at 17.
I was in Atlanta a month ago, and I met an abundance of cool, pretty Christian girls. They all complain that there aren’t enough cool Christian guys around there and, honestly, I see why – there’re just too many great girls! I’m trying to get some of ‘em to move down here to Jacksonville, FL, as the young, single guys’ group at my church has been growing. Thankfully, these guys come for the preaching and not the girls – otherwise they’d have left ages ago!
Hey Jon,
I have read many of your blogs, and I think they are just great!!! My mom sent it to me, me being a PK, and I have been laughing ever since. This post is very funny to me, b/c my family has just moved to a new town and it seems as though I am in the same boat. I am 26 and I think they started a Sunday School class just for me!!! YAY!!! I am the ONLY Single female in the class. All the rest are single guys besides our sunday school teachers. so this blog really hit home and I thought it was great!!! Thanks for your great posts, and I also like the Passion of the Christ post too. i thought it was very to the point!!!
Thanks again,
Single PK from OK
why this entry is a large part of ray blackston’s book, flabbergasted.
bananie -
Thanks for the comment, is the book any good? I’d never heard of it until you mentioned it and it was hard to tell from the amazon description I just looked up. The last Christian fiction I think I read was “This Present Darkness” in the mid 90s. But I think I have to read the Shack next.
Jon
Wow, brooke, I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who feels that way. And I kissed dating goodbye for the same reason.
Apparently, the trick is to move to an area with only a few people in your age group, and you’ll get asked out right away.
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I just typed in "christian speed dating" into google just for the heck of it and this actually came up
http://www.ehow.com/how_2323295_start-christian-speed-dating.html
an e-how page with instructions for real christian speed dating!!!!
This is too funny.
I thought that this would be an interesting antidotal and analysis of Christian dating but alas its merely a advertessment for your Church. Your raise the point without addressing the issue. It wasn't humorous not insightful. Just plain poor. The promient reason for the epidemic of "men" speed dating from church to church is the other relational epidemic, picky christian women. Often put up walls from you merely wanting to get to know them yet opening up to the men who are perceived to be the all perfect christian man. One doesn't have to do much of anything wrong to fall victim to the high impossible standards of some Christian women. Its not all women there exception. However, in my travels across the country and being apart of various churchs it is certain a majority.
it is so true. so very true. i have friends who have done this.